# Oh Fudge



## The Snark (Dec 21, 2012)

She says it's a cucumber she planted. I express my doubts. It tries to take over the carport and upstairs porch. Wondering if it's the original Neanderthal cucumber from h*** I ask the neighbor. He identifies it as a Fuk. We are both right. So what gonzo evolutionary oops came up with a vine that loves to grow to the very top of trees then crank out mutant squash things the size of American syntho-watermelons which like to dangle over human habitation? Weighing in at about 20 lbs and the lowest being 15 feet off the ground, this might be proof of intelligent design. Providing the great grackle in the sky has a really sick warped sense of humor.

Reactions: Like 2


----------



## Silberrücken (Dec 22, 2012)

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:​


----------



## Malhavoc's (Dec 22, 2012)

am I correct in Fuk translating as good fortune? I can see the (mis)fortune of watermelons dangling 15 feet above someone elses head..

Reactions: Like 1


----------



## Toogledoo (Dec 22, 2012)

Lol I agree!!


----------



## The Snark (Dec 22, 2012)

By the way. If anyone can tell me exactly what these things are and give me a Latin name, I'd appreciate it. It has been called Fuk Tong or Fuk Thong but it's not. It's been called Kubocha. It isn't. It's been said it's in the cucumber family then described as growing up to 1 kilo. It's been called winter melon but doesn't look anything like one. I've seen them up to about 15 kilos and over 2 feet long. They always grow on vines and dangle like the ones pictured. The vines can grow up around 100 feet long and always climb with those coil thingys holding them to trunks and branches. The insides have a small cavity, have a lot of whitish seeds and it tastes like... nothing. Like tissue paper with the consistency of pumpkin.


----------



## pitbulllady (Dec 22, 2012)

The fruit and leaves look like typical watermelons to me, and living in the Southern US, watermelons are a very common sight throughout much of the year.  We always plant a variety that looks like this, dark green with even darker stripes, though I can't recall the exact name of the variety.  We used to have a feral, introduced melon that everyone called a "citron" melon (Citrullus lanatus) that grew wild everywhere and looled just like this also, but unlike a watermelon(the cultivated form), it had pale tasteless flesh inside.  These were regarded as weeds and were eventually wiped out by the USDA's efforts, because of their tendency to take over fields and deprive crops of nutrients.  I haven't seen citrons growing anywhere since my childhood, but they were once a common sight, and I'd guess that if these things in Thailand have whitish flesh that tastes like "tissue paper", it's probably the same species.

pitbulllady


----------



## BrettG (Dec 22, 2012)

Seen crap like this in the LA area!!!


----------



## naychur (Dec 22, 2012)

Louisiana or Los Angeles?

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using Tapatalk 2


----------



## catfishrod69 (Dec 22, 2012)

Thats pretty awesome snark. We have some wild cucumber around here that takes over a small shrub or so. They get round spiky fruit on them. You should see down south around north carolina/alabama. The kudzu is a vine that takes over EVERYTHING that sits still long enough for it to take over. You will be driving, and on your sides, the telephone poles act as studs in a wall, because the kudzu is the drywall hanging onto it. Its so thick you cant see through it, so high you cant see over it. I have a candle made from the flower. Absolutely mindblowing.


----------



## The Snark (Dec 22, 2012)

It's stuff like this that makes me want to randomly strangle botanists: "The winter melon variety of honeydew melon should not be confused with the winter melon."
I know the kudzu. Drives the line persons crazy trying to keep the wires free of the crap. It certainly -looks- like it's in the Citrullus family, but the insides are wrong. It grows like it's in the Cucumis family, wild cucumbers et al, but they get nowhere near this size.

I've finally narrowed it down to a probable by following every link of the Citrullus and Cucumis. It's in the Cucurbitaceae, most likely the Benincasa. So it's ...obvious? It's a gord that assumes the general traits of a watermelon but likes to climb trees. This un: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winter_melon. Except the leaves are more lobulate.
????? ::


----------



## pitbulllady (Dec 24, 2012)

I'm curious as to whether you have only tried eating the mature fruit, or small fruit before it matures.  Virtually all members of the squash/gourd and cucumber families are flat-out nasty once the fruit matures.  The familiar cukes and squashes that we eat are picked before the fruit reaches maturity.  Once that happens, you might as well throw it away or keep it for seed if it's not a hybrid variety.  We have a garden every year, and grow our own cucumbers and yellow crook-neck squash, and you just can't eat the mature fruit on either.  It becomes tough and chewy and either bitter or tasteless completely.  If these things in the pics are cucumbers, they'd probably be edible if picked while small.

pitbulllady


----------



## catfishrod69 (Dec 24, 2012)

Just have to say, i love crook-neck squash. Love to slice it and fry it up. 





pitbulllady said:


> I'm curious as to whether you have only tried eating the mature fruit, or small fruit before it matures.  Virtually all members of the squash/gourd and cucumber families are flat-out nasty once the fruit matures.  The familiar cukes and squashes that we eat are picked before the fruit reaches maturity.  Once that happens, you might as well throw it away or keep it for seed if it's not a hybrid variety.  We have a garden every year, and grow our own cucumbers and yellow crook-neck squash, and you just can't eat the mature fruit on either.  It becomes tough and chewy and either bitter or tasteless completely.  If these things in the pics are cucumbers, they'd probably be edible if picked while small.
> 
> pitbulllady


----------



## pitbulllady (Dec 24, 2012)

catfishrod69 said:


> Just have to say, i love crook-neck squash. Love to slice it and fry it up.


With onions...in a bit of bacon grease, lol.  THAT'S some good eatin' right there!  Then slice up some cukes, put 'em on ice, and dip in Ranch dressing.  Makes me miss summer already.  I bet those melon-looking things taste pretty decent if picked small enough, too.

pitbulllady


----------



## catfishrod69 (Dec 24, 2012)

Haha does sound good. I prefer mine fried like green tomatoes though. And my cukes i like just skinned and eat em whole lol. 



pitbulllady said:


> With onions...in a bit of bacon grease, lol.  THAT'S some good eatin' right there!  Then slice up some cukes, put 'em on ice, and dip in Ranch dressing.  Makes me miss summer already.  I bet those melon-looking things taste pretty decent if picked small enough, too.
> 
> pitbulllady


@Snark, only one way to find out if they taste good .


----------



## Malhavoc's (Dec 25, 2012)

catfishrod69 said:


> Haha does sound good. I prefer mine fried like green tomatoes though. And my cukes i like just skinned and eat em whole lol.
> 
> 
> 
> @Snark, only one way to find out if they taste good .


If our beloved snark, dies to food poisoning from eating his 'Fuk'ing melon; I blame you and PBL, for the loss of his inspirational stories. 
Just wanted to go on the record for that.


----------



## catfishrod69 (Dec 25, 2012)

I for sure would never want him to try any of them without first getting a positive ID, and making sure they were ok to eat. It was just a joke. I would hate for us to lose him and his stories as well. 





Malhavoc's said:


> If our beloved snark, dies to food poisoning from eating his 'Fuk'ing melon; I blame you and PBL, for the loss of his inspirational stories.
> Just wanted to go on the record for that.


----------



## Malhavoc's (Dec 25, 2012)

catfishrod69 said:


> I for sure would never want him to try any of them without first getting a positive ID, and making sure they were ok to eat. It was just a joke. I would hate for us to lose him and his stories as well.


With that on the record, I admit to wondering what it tastes like already


----------



## pitbulllady (Dec 25, 2012)

Malhavoc's said:


> With that on the record, I admit to wondering what it tastes like already


We have that answer already, to quote our dear friend, The Snark: "_The insides have a small cavity, have a lot of whitish seeds and it tastes like... nothing. Like tissue paper with the consistency of pumpkin_.  In other words, it tastes like the mature fruit of all squash and cucumbers and gourds.  Obviously he's tried these things before, otherwise he'd have had no way to arrive at this conclusion.  MY question is, was that a mature fruit, or a small one?  In my own experience, the mature fruits of most common squashes and cucumbers are practically inedible and just plain nasty with big white seeds and stringy stuff and dry, spongy flesh that tastes like...well, tissue paper is an apt description.  Not so with the young fruit, picked before the seeds can mature and are still very small.

This whole thing reminds me of one of my younger sister's best friends from high school, a girl who was a scammer's dream.  She'd believe anything you told her, no matter how absurd, and she could formulate some really "out-there" theories on her own.  So, one day, while she was visiting, my father decided to drive to a local farmer's place, a guy who grew watermelons, and this girl tagged along.  When we got to the field, there were all these watermelons lying around on their vines, waiting to be picked.  This chick was so happy that this farmer had been nice and gotten the melons out of the TREES first so we wouldn't have to climb up and pick them ourselves; yes, she really had thought that watermelons grew on trees!  Well, I wish I could show her this, so that she could have at least some vindication!

pitbulllady


----------



## The Snark (Dec 26, 2012)

Malhavoc's said:


> If our beloved snark, dies to food poisoning from eating his 'Fuk'ing melon; I blame you and PBL, for the loss of his inspirational stories.
> Just wanted to go on the record for that.


ROTFLMAO!!! It needs to be kept in mind, I married into a Hmong family. The first rule of Hmong is; if you see anything odd, try eating it. I've seen some stuff laid out on the banana leaves on the dirt floor (Hmong banquet) that not only I couldn't identify by appearance or odor, I was more inclined to draw a hasty bead on than stick in my mouth. Especially one memorable dinner that served itself, crawling in my direction. Honestly, the cold boiled chicken feet was the highlight of that particular repast. 

No, I've only had Fuk fully ripe from the market. I'm going to get both the boss and our neighbor to gauge when our Fuks aren't ripe but ready anyway and see if it has more flavor than the average bath towel.


PS Here's a Northern Thai recipe you all got to try! In a half quart mortar add 2 or 3 live baby crabs, a half dozen live tadpoles, 20 to 30 'mouse-shit' peppers and a half dozen Thai spices and seasonings of ones personal preference. Mash with pestle for a few seconds. Add about 1 packed cup raw green papaya scraped off just below the skin. Mash the whole mess for another couple of minutes. Serve in a bowl. Spit out the unmashed hard parts of the crabs.

If proper mortar and pestle is unavailable, make your own Thai style. Add equal parts smashed crumbled granite and cement with a little water and mix into a very thick paste. Pour over an upside down bowl shaped bowl and trowel the outside to a pleasing shape with a flat top which will be the bottom/base. When dry turn over and remove the bowl. Make the pestle of the same material in roughly the shape of a very short billy club. This handy contrivance not only is useful for many horrible looking wretched dishes, it adds a unique construction site flavor.


"This chick was so happy that this farmer had been nice and gotten the melons out of the TREES first so we wouldn't have to climb up and pick them ourselves; yes, she really had thought that watermelons grew on trees!"
PBL, any chance you could hook me up with this person? I've got some swamp land a few miles west of San Francisco I've been trying to sell for ages.


----------



## shaihulud (Jan 5, 2013)

Its winter melon, can grow much bigger than that. It doesn't have much of a taste, we cut it up in clear soup in asia. When candied with sugar and dried, a more developed flavour will emerge, can be made into a tincture called 'wintermelon tea" when boiled in water, believed to be "cooling" in traditional chinese medicine.


----------



## Malhavoc's (Jan 11, 2013)

Winter melon...
"Can't come into work today, yeah. its snowing melons."
"come kids, lets go make a melon man."
I am sure it was named for other reasons, but the imagery of a melon falling from great hieghs on people is seared into my brain from the snark


----------



## pitbulllady (Jan 12, 2013)

Naturally, I had to Google it.  Says the immature fruit IS sweet, which is what I figured.  So, if you want to eat it, as-is, you have to pick one of the immature fruits.  Otherwise, you can use the older fruit to make preserves, like we used to do with citrons and watermelon rind around here, or a tea.  The vines don't have to grow up into trees, which ALL members of the melon family will do if given a chance.  Around here, most people plant melons in open fields far from trees, otherwise they will climb and make harvesting them quite treacherous and difficult.

pitbulllady


----------



## The Snark (Jan 18, 2013)

And the decision is... Young, almost mature and mature, closing ones eyes and taking a bite you can easily visual the piquant flavor of a white terrycloth bath towel. The young one might have had Nutrasweet<TM> spilled on it at some time in the distant past.


----------

