# Convincing your significant other/family to accept your Ts?



## synoviaus (Jul 2, 2011)

Hi, I would really like to get a T, but my hubby doesn't think a spider in the house is the way to go. Especially, one that grows to be around 8 in. long. (Chaco). So, curious how you guys climbed over this stumblingblock.
I know there has to be a nice diplomatic way to help him to see things my way. LOL Any good suggestions or arguments. :worship:


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## Robin Da Hood (Jul 2, 2011)

Did it before I was involved with anyone. I just made sure that she was aware of my hobby before we got serious... it can be a deal breaker sometimes.   But oh well, she'll get over it.  ;P


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## Eagercannibals (Jul 2, 2011)

Well, my parents said no when I asked. Soo, I decided to say the hell with it and brought my first one home and didn't tell them about it for the whole day.  I surprised them with the new addition to the family and made the point to say that if I didn't show you, you wouldn't have noticed it being there, therefore its not a big deal. Now I have 6. Victory is mine.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Jester (Jul 2, 2011)

Bring up the good points, like how they don't smell bad, they're not dangerous to humans, and raising them is rewarding..


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## astraldisaster (Jul 2, 2011)

Well, I would do a few things.

First: Let him know how much it means to you to have a tarantula, and that you've been doing your research.

Second: Educate him! Let him know that they don't pose a threat, and that you'd be very careful with yours. Maybe show him this video.

Third: Emphasize the fact that he's under absolutely no obligation to interact with it, or so much as look at it. That's entirely his choice (as it should be yours to get a pet you want!).


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## Nektu (Jul 2, 2011)

I wasn't a huge spider guy. My wife and I got one and I realized the longer it was in the house the more I got used to it. The more we got, the more I started to learn about them and research them on my own. The more research I did the more I wanted one of my own. We now have 12, one is mine and I want more. 

It takes time. But basically, I got tired of her always bugging me to get one and just caved in, lol.


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## GiantVinegaroon (Jul 2, 2011)

College has many benefits.  One of those benefits is that you can live on campus and do what YOU want, such as getting tarantulas!  That's what I did, and when I came home, I said "Oh, by the way.  I have spiders and I'm not getting rid of them."


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## Verneph (Jul 2, 2011)

My mother will never, ever, accept my T's.  She thinks they're horribly deadly.  It's my father that's understanding about it.  He's the only reason I have three now.


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## Amoeba (Jul 3, 2011)

+1 Bring up the good points. They don't smell. They've never killed anyone. There are fish that are harder to keep. Food is cheap. Don't take up much space. 

;P I've been fighting this same battle. it's not as uphill as you think. My mom asked to see the H lividum and G rosea at the LPS today.


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## cnapple (Jul 3, 2011)

Second: Educate him! Let him know that they don't pose a threat, and that you'd be very careful with yours. *Maybe show him* *this video*.

+1 That's the cutest video i've ever seen. How could you resist getting T after seeing that?

Also, drive home the fact that if he's uncomfortable with it, he really never needs to interact with it at all. My roommate didn't want me to get a T. I basically told him I was going to. I have 10 now, and he knows about them, but other than the general knowledge that they exist, he never has to see them or worry about them at all. Neither does your husband.


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## killy (Jul 3, 2011)

astraldisaster said:


> ... Educate him! ... show him this video...


Great video, Astral - not only for neophytes, but for those on the fence about handling.  Thanks for sharing this!

To the OP: Tarantulas are so ridiculously easy to maintain, silent, odorless and stationary, that you can probably keep it without your hubby ever knowing.  Don't tell him, and see how long it takes before he finds out.


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## satanslilhelper (Jul 3, 2011)

Take your husband with you to the Dixie Reptile Show when you go this month and have a talk with Kelly Swift. He's an incredibly gifted T breeder, but an even more fun guy to talk too. I'm sure he could persuade your hubby to let you keep some. I might end up going too since I found out Kelly is showing up there again. It used to be a guy from Huntsville that was running a booth there, but he has recently given up T collecting to focus on his new family I believe. The other guy was great, but Kelly is much more enjoyable to meet and talk T's with by far. 

 I'll let you know if I'm going too.


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## Lopez (Jul 3, 2011)

My girlfriend is a biologist so it wasn't a problem. In fact before we lived together she actually bred more spiders successfully than I did!


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## vickywild (Jul 3, 2011)

Before I moved in I told my boyfriend that I wasn't coming without her. ;P


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## Alexandra V (Jul 3, 2011)

I never had that problem with significant others because I always told potential partners about them before anything got serious, so either they accept them or they move on. Parents and family are a different story though. To get my parents to let me get one, I did all my research and then started dropping them little facts about tarantulas that make them cool, and told them how they taje even less effort than my snakes as far as maintenance goes. Eventually my father took an interest, and he is now my "partner in crime" when it comes to bringing T's into the house. My mother realized it was 2:1 so she let in, but despite how much she says she dislikes them, sometimes I catch her sneaking into my room to look at them 

Then extended family is sort of a go by ear thing. If I think they'll accept them, then I tell them and maybe let them know a little about them, show them if they want, etc., but if I don't think they'll like them, then they don't know about them. Simple as that.

Reactions: Like 1


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## synoviaus (Jul 3, 2011)

Thanks, you guys. AWESOME suggestions! I showed him the video. I think he's thawing to the idea. I told him he wouldn't even know it was there!


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## clffdvr (Jul 3, 2011)

*Phobias.*

If your husband has a genuine phobia about spiders, you don't have a chance. My son (30) has always had spider phobia. When he sees one the hair on the back of his head literally stands up and he goes into some kind of small anxiety attack. He has no other fears, and this one has no beginning as far as any of us know.

Spiders don't suit everyone's favor, so don't try to reason with him. Agree to keep it in an out-of-the-way room. Say you've already talked a lot about them and he knows they are virtually harmless, and they can't escape. Especially for small ones, put a 3 inch band of vaseline around the top.

Tell him that this is something you strongly desire and you need him to give in. If he gets emotional about that, consider whether he has the phobia.

Roger


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## NikiP (Jul 3, 2011)

If the fully grown size is a potential issue, get a sling. Sometimes watching them grow up can help.

If it's the looks that get him, get one of the Avicularia species. People tend to think of large & "black" or "brown" = tarantula. Avics are very fuzzy, brightly colored, & most species don't get to be terribly large, plus they have an amusing way of moving  



clffdvr said:


> If your husband has a genuine phobia about spiders, you don't have a chance.


Not always. Really it depends on the level of the phobia and if the person is willing to work with it. 

My bf told me it took a while for him to be ok just looking at pictures of any type of spiders or tarantula. He forced himself to research & educate himself about them before he could touch just a picture.

I got back into tarantulas after we first broke up. He came back into my life knowing I was back into keeping them. I never teased or taunted him with my spiders & took his phobia seriously. Took a while, but he's even helped pack a few & catches true spiders now that he thinks i'm interested in. He doesn't however hold them, feed them, & stays out of the room depending on which container I have open.

My biggest tip is education. People tend to be more scared of the unknown or what the media poorly portrays. 

But i'm also not saying that everyone can just get over a phobia


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## Kris-wIth-a-K (Jul 3, 2011)

I look at it as having a dog. Just because not everyone cant enjoy it means you can't have it? Pretty selfish if you ask me lol.


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## synoviaus (Jul 3, 2011)

So much good information here. I agree that education is the key. This will be a good thread for the future too! There's a great number of arachnophobia sufferers out there. I'm even a mild one myself, used to be much worse! In high school, I had really long hair. I was working in the flowerbeds when I felt something trapped in my hair! It was a huge spider! It took several minutes to get it out and untangled. In the meantime, I was pretty traumatized. I'm almost 40 yrs. old now. It has taken me this long to consider a T. I think that this will help me so much to continue with my growth. Also, I'm a programming librarian and would like to someday do a T program. There's so many mistaken fears and ideas about them.


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## ArachnidSentinl (Jul 3, 2011)

I've always felt that most individuals are socialized to be disgusted with spiders as opposed to legitimately having an innate fear or phobia. Not many people are exposed to large spiders (or any invertebrates) unless they are very fortunate; too many people watch Animal Planet's fear-mongering "documentaries" and have no other experience with them.

A few years ago, I was afraid of spiders. Long story short, I was introduced to the hobby via a friend. Being gradually desensitized by having a spider-behind-glass was an invaluable experience and one that I recommend.

My parents weren't thrilled with me getting into the hobby, but I gradually exposed them to it. Now, they don't mind and even buy me the occasional invert(!). I've been dating a woman for about a month now who was a self-proclaimed arachnophobe, however now -- after only a month -- she can sleep in the same room as my invert rack.

It's been my experience that most people will become reasonably accommodating if their perspectives are challenged in a respectful and gradual way. Even individuals that are pathologically phobic of spiders can be desensitized (best leave that to the MI professionals, lol). Ultimately it depends on the person, but there's always hope.


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## Thehat222 (Jul 4, 2011)

My girlfriend didn't know about my hobby and was like "F***! There is no way in hell you're bringing those things with us if we ever live together!" when she saw my bedroom the first time
What I did was begin handling my G. Rosea and G. Pulchripes in front of her. I don't usually handle either because I don't see much of a point in stressing the beautiful girlies out. But impressing a woman seemed like a good enough reason to me.
She was fascinated by the shiny pink carapace on my rosey and asked to hold it so I let it crawl onto her lap and what do ya know, Christmas time she walks up to my house with a 2" A. Avic in a deli-cup and says "So I love its pink toes-is and thought you would think it was cute too."
I recommend just to handle your most docile T just so your family/friends/significant others at least understand that these animals are not going to attack them for no reason and can be majestic, interesting, beautiful animals.
My family has dealt with my invert obsession since I was four and would come in hold jumping spiders and calling them baby tarantulas so I never had to do any convincing with them but girlfriends I've had to do A LOT of convincing with.

I think spider videos on youtube and pictures of the pretty ones is a good idea as far as convincing you hubby to let you get one.


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## synoviaus (Jul 10, 2011)

Thanks, we will be attending the Dixie Reptile Show. I'm hoping that Lance will go with me to look at the pretty Tarantulas. LOL.
Amy


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## ElevenBravo (Jul 10, 2011)

I was a former petrified phobe. Every spider was venomous to me because venomous spiders existed. I decided one day that I was going to find out what all those lil brown creepy things are and how dangerous they are or arent. I found out most of them are harmless wolf and grass spiders. I then started looking at Ts and decided that ones pretty and that one and that one and that one and so on. The jet black beauty the Braz Black or Grammostola pulchra stole my heart due to the fact they look like they are made of black velvet and have a reputation for being very calm and docile.  I wanted a T that I could handle to help me get over my fears. Five Ts later I have one and have been extremly happy raising and taking care of them.

My point is educate him and you will win him over if not you do have the power of female persuasion to fall back on


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## gambite (Jul 10, 2011)

I did not tell them about them until after I had them for a while, they are pretty easy to hide. As long as you dont make a big deal about it, most people wont do anything about it even if they say they dont like it.


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## morg59jeep (Jul 11, 2011)

if you are a girl and he is a guy, use your body to convince him.


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## BobGrill (Jul 12, 2011)

In my opinion you can't convince many people to accept tarantulas as pets. Sad? yes, but also true. Some people will never come around to the idea and there is no way to convince them.


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## Thehat222 (Aug 10, 2011)

So how is it going? Convincing you husband?


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## Ben Oliver (Aug 10, 2011)

i asked my wife if i could get a T she said no right off the bat, so i started to tell her that they were no different than the lizards that i keep they eat the same things then i was showing her different videos on youtube, than she brought up the point of the T escaping, i told her that the kids would be better off if the t got out instead of the lizards. the lizards are tokay geckos, golden geckos, marbled geckos, savannah monitors, red tailed boa, bearded dragons, whites tree frog, and 2 cane toads. i didn't lie or change the truths. now i have 4 T's the only T she is sort of worried about is the h. lividum. we all now that they are very defensive and can bite many times. now i have gotten her to hold my little avic avic and my g. pulchrips sling. she will not hold my large female g. pulchripes its only about 5.5" to 6". she has told me that i can get some l.p. slings if i want. i did everything that i could to prove to her that they were ok to have in the house. she got some-what madd at me for breeding roaches she has even got over that one when i told her it would save a ton of money on feeders for the lizards and others now. so every person has their spot and i knew what my wifes was so that is what i did tell the truth about size and temperments and what they eat. and then try to explain if they can get like the h. lividum or like g. pulchrips but not like my big female very defensive she will bite very quick. i told my wife just because one is nasty doesn't mean they all will be. my kids love that we have the critters in the house, they say that we live in a zoo.


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## stewstew8282 (Aug 10, 2011)

morg59jeep said:


> if you are a girl and he is a guy, use your body to convince him.


agreed, withhold teh nookies until he caves. end game right there...;P;P


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## R U 4 THC 2 (Aug 12, 2011)

I had a few tarantulas, snakes, and lizards before I me t my girlfriend... now she does too  in fact were getting more today!


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## JayMadison (Aug 13, 2011)

synoviaus said:


> Hi, I would really like to get a T, but my hubby doesn't think a spider in the house is the way to go. Especially, one that grows to be around 8 in. long. (Chaco). So, curious how you guys climbed over this stumblingblock.
> I know there has to be a nice diplomatic way to help him to see things my way. LOL Any good suggestions or arguments. :worship:


I live alone, so I didn't have to convince anyone but the condo assoication, I just had to convince them it wouldn't get loose and kill the neighbor kids (ahem I mean "cause medically significant bites"). My dad thinks I'm crazy, but that's kinda the norm.

---------- Post added 08-13-2011 at 10:37 AM ----------




Eagercannibals said:


> Well, my parents said no when I asked. Soo, I decided to say the hell with it and brought my first one home and didn't tell them about it for the whole day.  I surprised them with the new addition to the family and made the point to say that if I didn't show you, you wouldn't have noticed it being there, therefore its not a big deal. Now I have 6. Victory is mine.


Nice  I have 3 juvi's and 4 spiderlings, so y'know whoever I date next will need to deal with it.

---------- Post added 08-13-2011 at 10:42 AM ----------




NikiP said:


> If the fully grown size is a potential issue, get a sling. Sometimes watching them grow up can help.
> 
> If it's the looks that get him, get one of the Avicularia species. People tend to think of large & "black" or "brown" = tarantula. Avics are very fuzzy, brightly colored, & most species don't get to be terribly large, plus they have an amusing way of moving
> 
> ...


Couldn't a therapist help? Personally I think if the person spent some time with spiders it might fade. But I'm not a pro when it comes to phobias.


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## gashadokuro (Aug 13, 2011)

I just brought mine home and said if they go in the room they'll get bit, been fine since.


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## webbedone (Aug 13, 2011)

My wife is extremely phobic(apperently because she was attacked by a 12 foot, 400 pound gaint house spider when she was in colledge) so before i started bringing spiders home i made her read all sorts of books and taped insect shows for weeks. She is less phobic now and i have a collection, she still scared of them but she does feed them and refills the water dishes when i am not home. Also i made a deal with her before she starts screaming "no!!!!" about anything i purchase a book on the animal she reads it and than gives me an educated answer with reasonable explanation of yes or no


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## vickywild (Aug 13, 2011)

I am having trouble convincing my boyfriend to allow me to bring a h.lividum into the flat ever since he saw a website list it as "pure evil."

Aha. 

He'll come around eventually though, I'm sure.

Maybe I'll buy a Lividum sling and tell him it's a G.Pulchra or something xD.


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## webbedone (Aug 13, 2011)

Just tell him that you found a website that listed him being as "pure evil" so him and h.lidum would make a great pair. They can build a super villain lair togather, hang out and plan to take over the fridge or something.


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## Kazahmish (Aug 14, 2011)

Greetings,
I missed my T collection something terrible, so after moving in with my dad (he's 70 and declining health so I help him out in exchange for a place to stay) I approached him about starting my collection again, he said NOPE.. not gonna have it, so I dropped the subject... so, for the next 6 months I kept calling him into my computer room to show him videos of T's being fed and such... and then would walk outside showing him all the cool spiders around the park.. (got a REAL nice Orb weaver outside my window right now.. ) well.. finally in June I asked him again if I could start my collection...

Success... so.. without giving him time to change his mind I ran out and bought a 10g tank and some stuff to go in it.. but then the temps hit the mid 90s and couldnt get a delivery.. fearing he would change his mind I went to the local pet store to see what they had.. it was a pink toe.. and in BAD shape too.. I could see mites inside the tank and a cotton ball in the water dish.. so I left without even saying a word.. now, hopefully in Sept the temps will drop so I can get a delivery.. and today I showed him some videos from RobC on You Tube.. he sat there for about 30 min watching vid after vid.. I think he was hooked as well.. even though he won't admit it, all he asked was that they never get out.. and I told him.. Nope.. never will... (so I lied.. he won't know.. lol)

oh, BTW, I just joined the forum today so HI everyone.. Mike here from GA..


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## Formerphobe (Aug 14, 2011)

> she was attacked by a 12 foot, 400 pound giant house spider


:laugh: (note user name...)
I'm on the greater side of half a century...  My octogenarian mother lives with me and is not fond of arachnids in general.  I just have to take care that I have no escapees because she "_will step on them"_...  I try to slip new ones in under the proverbial wire so she doesn't get her britches in a twist.    Collection recently doubled...  my bad...:laugh:


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## synoviaus (Oct 27, 2011)

Happy news on my plans. Husband is now a non issue! Well, since I'm getting a divorce not for my DH's fear of spidies, I'll be able to begin my collection as soon as I get a new place. So, right now I'm thinking of what I want to start off with. I know I want to start with a G. Pulchripes and a B. something (can't make up my mind). After those not sure, maybe a GBB. These will be my first T's so I do want to make sure I get easy to care for species.


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## ImDeadly (Oct 28, 2011)

Reasons to own a Tarantula:

1. They are sooo cute.
2. They scare away solicitors and in-laws.
3. If you get bit, it makes an excellent excuse from work.
4. They dress themselves and you don't have to change their diapers.

---------- Post added 10-28-2011 at 08:51 AM ----------




synoviaus said:


> Happy news on my plans. Husband is now a non issue! Well, since I'm getting a divorce not for my DH's fear of spidies, I'll be able to begin my collection as soon as I get a new place. So, right now I'm thinking of what I want to start off with. I know I want to start with a G. Pulchripes and a B. something (can't make up my mind). After those not sure, maybe a GBB. These will be my first T's so I do want to make sure I get easy to care for species.


I would substitute the G. pulchripes with a G. pulchra. They are sooooo cool and nice.


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## Ryancw93 (Oct 28, 2011)

It is a creature from this earth. If he cannot stand a spider, then he cannot stand a cat/dog/baby. They cost more, go to the bathroom on the floor, and smell a lot worse. If he is a "man" he will accept a manly addition to the household..


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## morg59jeep (Oct 28, 2011)

Congrats on now being able to keep T's but I am sorry you are getting a divorce.  At least you will have a new hobby to help you cope with the big changes in your life.  IMO if your partner really loves you then they will want you to be happy and if that means having T's then they should abide.  Next go around find someone that is less selfish.


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## Rob1985 (Oct 28, 2011)

I live alone... no g/f, so this decision was easy. lol


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## smoothie4l (Oct 28, 2011)

I still have this problem with my mother not so much my father and my sister is out of the question, we all went to a reptile con not to long ago (which was awesome) and I would constantly pull everyone over to the tarantula stands, I got to hold one and my mom watched and asked questions, we didn't end up getting anything except  some frozen mice, but I got “arachnophiliacs” business card  and I am waiting to call them the moment my parents say okay


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## boxofsorrows (Oct 28, 2011)

synoviaus said:


> Happy news on my plans. Husband is now a non issue!





Rob1985 said:


> I live alone... no g/f, so this decision was easy. lol


Hello! Arachnoboards dating opportunity - potential win, win, alert!! :cute:


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## JuGGaL0K0W (Oct 30, 2011)

*lucked out*

I just happened to luck out and my g/f collected too, she still wont go near my OW's but what can you do lol.


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