Refined Cat Abuse

The Snark

Dumpster Fire of the Gods
Old Timer
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
8,308
To be more precise, cats abusing humans and how to return the favor. AKA, keeping myself entertained at their expense while avoiding taking a header down the stairs.

Same story, every morning, and usually about 15 to 20 times a day. Start down the stairs. This HAS to be genetically programmed into cats. I can think of no other possible explanation. Place your body where the human is about to step. Repeat for each stair.

With one cat the reasonably functional human can get down the stairs with only a little fancy footwork and a few feints. With three cats... ARRRRGG! As I worked my fancy stepping on down the stairs yesterday the boss eyed me from the upstairs landing and asked, 'Flamenco ballet?'

I stopped on the half way landing. All three cats crowded on the next step down in anticipation while my other leans on the banister to enjoy the rest of the dance.

Cats don't roll. I tried the obvious method of giving a cat a shove on down a step or two. It's a little known fact cats actually have about 12 legs, only 4 of which are visible. Any one of these legs is sufficient to stop the cat from rolling and position it in a carefully calculated (advanced geometry here, couple with prescience) location where your foot will be placed when you get down to that step.
In frustration you can even send the cat flying down several steps and if you pay very close attention you will note they also possess invisible parachutes and powerful gyro stabilizing mechanisms. And of course, a sadistic streak where, if sent sailing far enough, they will dash back up the stairs to get another shot at destabilizing you.
The newest addition, the kitten, has enhanced this by dashing back up the stairs and hugging my ankle: 'That was great!! Do it again!!!!' (I hear giggles from the upstairs landing)

So I invented a game. The general plan is to slip your foot under the cat and lift it. 1 point if you managed to balance it, 2 points if you get your foot under end to end and not just from the side. This is exceedingly difficult as, it appears, 98% of a cats weight is at the front end.

Next, you lift the cat and set it to the side or place it up the stair beside you (another point) or drop it on one of the other cats (2 points). Yet another point if you are quick enough to place a foot where the picked up cat was before another takes it's place.

Then the full five point maneuver. Lifting the cat high enough to where you can grab it, holding it out of your way, and a serious 10 points if you can do this twice, leaving you to arrive downstairs with only one cat in the way and one under each arm. (I haven't pulled that one off yet.)

This is excellent exercise practice for the budding dance enthusiast as well as practicing kata footwork.
 

The Snark

Dumpster Fire of the Gods
Old Timer
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
8,308
(The problem is cats pick up on things. All my ferocious bellows, acid comments, snarled growls and narrowed eyed stares that work so well on humans are lost on them. They know I'm a pansy when it comes to animals.
To wit: Cats are BANNED from the bedroom, period! Midnight romper room hi-jinks can take it downstairs, thank you very much. During the night, my other during her somnabulations, allows the occasional cat to slip in. A few days ago: Alarm bells at 02:00 from the computer. Stumble out and deal with it. Returning to bed, all three cats are curled up fast asleep on my side of the bed and I ended up on the couch.)
 
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