Ugh the T bug has bitten , so has the wife.....

[P4RK]

so I have had my very first T a little over two weeks now . And you wouldn’t believe the begging I had to do to get this kritter . My wife is terrified of spiders completely so when I asked for one you can imagine the reaction . Little did I know she had been researching after I suggested it and agreed to come with me to look at them and I could have one if she felt comfy .
Fluffy the B. Hamorii is now on my fireplace and my wife is slowly getting used to it. BUT the bug has bitten me hard and I would love two more . And she will not have any of it . To the point we have argued about it and both gotten incredibly upset .
She doesn’t want more in the house , and doesn’t want to feel more uncomfortable in her own home . I’m annoyed as I just don’t understand and maybe miss read her signals when she’s shown interest in the T and asked to be a part of the cleaning out etc ( she even handled it in the store , not something that will happen at home though) so when I asked for another s*it hit the fan , and I’ve had to back down but am so so disappointed/ upset / frustrated .

Anyone else been in the same boat ? I can’t get more , or just bring one home as it just doesn’t work for us . I think I just wanted to vent and see if there are people in the same boat

 

[Garth Vader]

Yes when I got my first T for work and then I got a few more also "for work" and eventually brought my small collection home and I just keep one at my office now. My husband was eased into it but overall he doesn't like it. He is okay with them in their enclosures but overall, he just doesn't like them and thinks they are creepy.

Now my Ts are pretty cool but here is the thing- my husband is cooler. I am very lucky to have him. I don't want to upset the peace in the house and I won't bring a new animal in without his blessing. I could live alone and have as many as I want but I prioritize my family and marriage over my collecting habits.

I got my first T nearly 2 years ago and I now have 9 and looking at my 10th. Be patient. Tarantulas are not going anywhere.

 

[Paul1126]

A healthy relationship would be someone that supports the others interests.
Not that I would know.

 

[P4RK]

Yes when I got my first T for work and then I got a few more also "for work" and eventually brought my small collection home and I just keep one at my office now. My husband was eased into it but overall he doesn't like it. He is okay with them in their enclosures but overall, he just doesn't like them and thinks they are creepy.

Now my Ts are pretty cool but here is the thing- my husband is cooler. I am very lucky to have him. I don't want to upset the peace in the house and I won't bring a new animal in without his blessing. I could live alone and have as many as I want but I prioritize my family and marriage over my collecting habits.

I got my first T nearly 2 years ago and I now have 9 and looking at my 10th. Be patient. Tarantulas are not going anywhere.

Yes this is how our marriage is , I wouldn’t bring anything home without her blessing and I would never forgive myself for making her feel afraid in her own home .
I have just explained that I’m upset and disappointed about it so to give me time to settle and I will try and forget about it and accept no more will be coming home . My marriage is too important . I think it’s something we have never had to deal with as a couple , me feeling so strongly about wanting something , and for her to feel so strongly against something . There isn’t really a common ground , however she has let me have one which I’m thankful for too

 

[Luke Alexander]

I got lucky with my wife, she encourages me to get some, but she loves insects and bugs, and works at the zoo as well. Although now that we have a kid on the way I’m going to have to wait awhile.

Have you thought about having a shed outside of the house? Or some other alternative? In the end fighting over tarantulas isn’t worth messing up the relationship.

 

[nicodimus22]

Nobody should be fearful in their own home. I would give her time. She might get used to the one you have and allow more, and she might not. Relationships are all about compromise and thinking about the other person's happiness.

 

[Chris LXXIX]

Anyone else been in the same boat ?

Tell me nothing, man, tell me nothing!

Even if my wife and my two lovely, little brats are made of (excellent quality, handmade, fully detailed) wood, everytime and I say everytime I desire to purchase an arboreal or another obligate burrower, a little 'door' on my brain opens, and all of a sudden three voices start to torture me saying, frantically:

'arBoReals... trEes, cliMbing... WoOd. Obligate buRr- 'o werZ... CoOrK bArk'

and always, always, always I have to waste a good dozen hours of my precious time saying to my family, slowly and gently:

'don't worry, no one will harm no one. I promise that'.

It's hard. But I love my family and I have responsibility, as every wise father and husband

 

[Garth Vader]

Tell me nothing, man, tell me nothing!

Even if my wife and my two lovely, little brats are made of (excellent quality, handmade, fully detailed) wood, everytime and I say everytime I desire to purchase an arboreal or another obligate burrower, a little 'door' on my brain opens, and all of a sudden three voices start to torture me saying, frantically:

'arBoReals... trEes, cliMbing... WoOd. Obligate buRr- 'o werZ... CoOrK bArk'

and always, always, always I have to waste a good dozen hours of my precious time saying to my family, slowly and gently:

'don't worry, no one will harm no one. I promise that'.

It's hard. But I love my family and I have responsibility, as every wise father and husband

Your wooden family is so lucky to have you looking out for them.


Im afraid you have really lost it this time, my friend.

 

[sasker]

I have just explained that I’m upset and disappointed about it so to give me time to settle and I will try and forget about it and accept no more will be coming home

Have you tried watching YouTube clips with your wife? Like feeding videos? This helped me to get my wife more interested/less afraid of tarantulas. Much of the fear people have for tarantulas is that they don't know what tarantulas are capable of. They cannot make 10 feet jumps out of their enclosure and they are actually quite vulnerable. Perhaps your wife is just afraid that you will turn into one of those 'freaks' who have 100+ tarantulas (my wife's words, not mine ). Suggesting to buy a few more would not help in that case. I would just keep only one tarantula for now and see how that goes for a couple of months. Your wife is likely to realise soon that a single tarantula is quite boring and low maintenance (especially when it is in premolt). Any additional purchase will not result in a linear increase of maintenance and other problems for her.

 

[PidderPeets]

Whenever I try to convince anyone that spiders really aren't that scary or creepy, I hop on board the Avic (and relatives) train. There's not many people I've discussed this with that couldn't be swayed by those cute, fluffy pink feets. They're like little socks! And fat C. versicolor slings are basically just fuzzy blueberries.


(Okay, he's not really a blueberry anymore because he's developing his adult colors, but you get the idea)

It seems especially helpful if it's someone predisposed to like cute fuzzy creatures. And I hate to be stereotypical, but let's face it, most of us women are predisposed to like those things.

 

[Brittnizz]

I was very hesitant getting a tarantula. I have never enjoyed "spiders". I asked for a dog and my husband wanted a tarantula. After alot of research I caved. There is always a risk of being bit especially if handled alot. We choose not to handle often but I have fallen in love with my tarantulas. We have 4 now lol. I wouldn't get rid of them no matter what and if my husband enjoys this hobby I could never make him get rid of them. But thats just me.

so I have had my very first T a little over two weeks now . And you wouldn’t believe the begging I had to do to get this kritter . My wife is terrified of spiders completely so when I asked for one you can imagine the reaction . Little did I know she had been researching after I suggested it and agreed to come with me to look at them and I could have one if she felt comfy .
Fluffy the B. Hamorii is now on my fireplace and my wife is slowly getting used to it. BUT the bug has bitten me hard and I would love two more . And she will not have any of it . To the point we have argued about it and both gotten incredibly upset .
She doesn’t want more in the house , and doesn’t want to feel more uncomfortable in her own home . I’m annoyed as I just don’t understand and maybe miss read her signals when she’s shown interest in the T and asked to be a part of the cleaning out etc ( she even handled it in the store , not something that will happen at home though) so when I asked for another s*it hit the fan , and I’ve had to back down but am so so disappointed/ upset / frustrated .

Anyone else been in the same boat ? I can’t get more , or just bring one home as it just doesn’t work for us . I think I just wanted to vent and see if there are people in the same boat

 

[Michael bradley]

Gotta agree what someone already said and a marriage is supporting each other in hobbies and she should respect that but then it could be worse and not even have one t.. see I can’t stand candles I can’t even use for the purpose they were made for but they still keep appearing . I would understand if you never had a t and asked for one and she said no, but if you got one already then few more ain’t gonna hurt anybody! Only thing I can suggest is maybe not on a fire place In full view and find somewhere more out the way??

 

[ediblepain]

My significant other is not cool with spiders or bugs. He would never try to limit my hobbies because he is my partner.. not my parent. I make sure to keep my creepy critters in my office, and take precautions that help my partner feel more comfortable. Such as closing the office door, and shoving a towel under the door anytime I open an enclosure. I think this is overkill, but if it helps my partner feel at ease I'll gladly do it.
On the flipside, I don't micromanage his hobbies either. He will spend 10+ hours on Saturdays playing d&d with the guys, and that's totally cool with me.

 

[P4RK]

Gotta agree what someone already said and a marriage is supporting each other in hobbies and she should respect that but then it could be worse and not even have one t.. see I can’t stand candles I can’t even use for the purpose they were made for but they still keep appearing . I would understand if you never had a t and asked for one and she said no, but if you got one already then few more ain’t gonna hurt anybody! Only thing I can suggest is maybe not on a fire place In full view and find somewhere more out the way??

See the thing is , she suggested putting it there which has left me very confused . I explained I felt like a child asking for permission , but we do have the respect for each other that means I wouldn’t bring anything home without her blessing . I feel abit stuck between a rock and a hard place as the thought of her not being able to relax at home makes me feel awful and so say she said yes now or in the future , I’m just going to feel crappy about it anyways .
I suggested in the spare room that’s like an office that used to be our snake room , but she does her work stuff in there so that’s not going to work and I don’t have a shed or anywhere like that i could keep them . So I just feel at a loss and as silly as this sounds I’ve been slightly tearful and then feel very silly about that also

 

[Michael bradley]

See the thing is , she suggested putting it there which has left me very confused . I explained I felt like a child asking for permission , but we do have the respect for each other that means I wouldn’t bring anything home without her blessing . I feel abit stuck between a rock and a hard place as the thought of her not being able to relax at home makes me feel awful and so say she said yes now or in the future , I’m just going to feel crappy about it anyways .
I suggested in the spare room that’s like an office that used to be our snake room , but she does her work stuff in there so that’s not going to work and I don’t have a shed or anywhere like that i could keep them . So I just feel at a loss and as silly as this sounds I’ve been slightly tearful and then feel very silly about that also

Dude no need to feel silly about it, just shows you have compassion for for what you love!! I totally get what your saying as tbh if my wife really didn’t want them I would respect her decision and be happy with the fact I had one t.. I genuinely believe that you will be able to persuade her, just wait till she wants those new shoes or a holiday haha.. and if your wife knows exactly how you feel I believe over time she rethink, especially when she sees how you are with your t already.. just give it time and chill out and enjoy your t

 

[ediblepain]

Is she afraid of it excaping or is it some sort of general anxiety that she is projecting onto the tarantula?

 

[dangerforceidle]

I would say don't pressure any more right now. Two or three weeks is not a long time to adjust to something that someone is fearful of. Try to include her in feedings or maintenance. Speak energetically and passionately about things you learned about them, or a goofy thing you witnessed it doing. If you give it a silly little nickname and speak to its 'personality' in an endearing manner, chances are she will begin to relax.

Show her that you enjoy the one you have. Engage her as much as she'll listen -- but also respect boundaries and read body language. Bring it up often, but don't badger her with it, in other words.

After a few months, I'm sure she'll realize that they aren't scary and it poses no risk. Perhaps she'll even begin to show interest herself. At that point your new concern will be available shelf space and whether or not you need to start a feeder colony to support your collection.

 

[P4RK]

Dude no need to feel silly about it, just shows you have compassion for for what you love!! I totally get what your saying as tbh if my wife really didn’t want them I would respect her decision and be happy with the fact I had one t.. I genuinely believe that you will be able to persuade her, just wait till she wants those new shoes or a holiday haha.. and if your wife knows exactly how you feel I believe over time she rethink, especially when she sees how you are with your t already.. just give it time and chill out and enjoy your t

We did have a big talk last night and she did say it’s the line , I guess her boundary and what kind of partner would I be if I pushed and got one knowing full well she didn’t feel happy in a home that your meant to relax in . ProbLem I’m having is I keep winding myself up and getting annoyed about it . Although I have explained this and said to bare with me as I am really disappointed

 

[zoogirl]

so I have had my very first T a little over two weeks now . And you wouldn’t believe the begging I had to do to get this kritter . My wife is terrified of spiders completely so when I asked for one you can imagine the reaction .

OMG When I first started reading this, I thought my husband had changed his name on here and wrote this. He bugged me for a good year or more about getting a tarantula and because I am/was terrified of spiders, I have always said NO WAY!!! Until a couple of months ago.....we were in a pet store and he was looking at the T's they had and out it slipped from my mouth..."You know, I can't really stop you if you get one" He took that as a yes and that night there sat his new T on the table, an approx 3 to 4 inch A. seemani (sp?)

Well, fast forward a week or so and I'm watching the spider all the time, getting more and more interested in what it's doing. I watched my husband take care of it and learned a little about it from him and as long as he locked the cage, I felt secure and was becoming more comfortable about it. So, I decided one day to try to overcome my fear......as my husband was here with me, I slowly opened the cage and there she sat, (yes I know this was a stupid move now, but didn't know then) I reached my hand slowly in and I touched her leg. She didn't move, I closed the cage and I felt better. A few days later, (an even more stupid move, I don't do it now) I opened her cage again, I reached in with a spoon and slid it under her, she didn't move. I raised the spoon and placed it in my palm, she still didn't move. So I removed the spoon and there she sat in the palm of my hand for about 15 minutes, not moving, just sitting there. I remained calm and it helped me overcome my fear of her. (Now, I don't want to hear from anyone about how you shouldn't hold them, I know now and I don't hold them anymore but it really helped me that day)

I now have 6 of my own T's, one 3ish inch A. Avic and the rest are slings. I've read everything I can on these boards, watched videos, looked at numerous websites and have learned a lot about them. I'm by NO means even close to being expert but I have a new found respect for these wonderful animals. I love watching them eat and build their webs!

Anyway, the whole point of this everlasting post is, give it some time. Maybe your wife will come around the way I did and you'll be able to get more T's in the future. I hope you can, it's really neat to see how different they all are. Good luck!!

 

[P4RK]

I would say don't pressure any more right now. Two or three weeks is not a long time to adjust to something that someone is fearful of. Try to include her in feedings or maintenance. Speak energetically and passionately about things you learned about them, or a goofy thing you witnessed it doing. If you give it a silly little nickname and speak to its 'personality' in an endearing manner, chances are she will begin to relax.

Show her that you enjoy the one you have. Engage her as much as she'll listen -- but also respect boundaries and read body language. Bring it up often, but don't badger her with it, in other words.

After a few months, I'm sure she'll realize that they aren't scary and it poses no risk. Perhaps she'll even begin to show interest herself. At that point your new concern will be available shelf space and whether or not you need to start a feeder colony to support your collection.

Thanks for that reply , it’s what I was doing and she said she can appreciate and enthuse with me in videos and learn things, but said that it’s different watching videos , compared to having another in the house . At the moment I just feel really flat about it all , like I don’t even feel like sharing some cool videos I had seen , and I just received the tarantula keepers guide book and it came today and I haven’t even flipped the pages open as I just feel super flat about it ? Does that make sense ?
I have to respect that she has drawn the line , even though I don’t fully understand how she’s managed to allow one and said she would throw a party if I said i didn’t want to keep it anymore as it wouldn’t be in the house at all if I was up to her , but she said she saw how much i I wanted it so tried to get on board .
It’s a tough one and I know I need to be happy and enjoy the one I have (even though it’s burrowed away comepletely for over a week now )
The spark has been dampened a little as i don’t wanna watch videos etc and see a species that I would really like