Ugh the T bug has bitten , so has the wife.....

[DanBsTs]

so I have had my very first T a little over two weeks now . And you wouldn’t believe the begging I had to do to get this kritter . My wife is terrified of spiders completely so when I asked for one you can imagine the reaction . Little did I know she had been researching after I suggested it and agreed to come with me to look at them and I could have one if she felt comfy .
Fluffy the B. Hamorii is now on my fireplace and my wife is slowly getting used to it. BUT the bug has bitten me hard and I would love two more . And she will not have any of it . To the point we have argued about it and both gotten incredibly upset .
She doesn’t want more in the house , and doesn’t want to feel more uncomfortable in her own home . I’m annoyed as I just don’t understand and maybe miss read her signals when she’s shown interest in the T and asked to be a part of the cleaning out etc ( she even handled it in the store , not something that will happen at home though) so when I asked for another s*it hit the fan , and I’ve had to back down but am so so disappointed/ upset / frustrated .

Anyone else been in the same boat ? I can’t get more , or just bring one home as it just doesn’t work for us . I think I just wanted to vent and see if there are people in the same boat

Story of my life I just recently got green lit for my 7th Tarantula (though my wife made conditions that this would be my last for at least a full calander year). My wife has been resistant since the get go but she is a trooper and has been gracious thus far. So yes, I 100% feel your pain.

 

[P4RK]

How big is the tarantula? If it's less than 1", you could rehouse it into a smaller container, which would discourage burrowing.

It’s only maybe 2 inches or so , I didn’t like the substrate that was in the tank that I got as it felt too damp and hard for my liking so as soon as I put the coco fibre in away she went and I have a pretty tank now

 

[Vinny2915]

The old ask for forgiveness rather then permission bit?

lmao, I don't even ask for forgiveness, I just own my actions and leave it.

 

[D Sherlod]

Having a hobby that a significant other doesn't like, is not disrespecting them.. unless you are forcing them to engage in that hobby.

I agree, but our hobby means bringing creatures into our spouses lives that potentially terrifies them. Bringing those creatures into our homes is asking them to engage in our hobby,,, at least to some degree.
Imagine if you were afraid of dogs and your spouse insisted on bringing home the largest dog they could find.
I know it' not the same thing but the thinking is the same.

 

[Mini8leggedfreak]

Hey I’m in a similar situation with my fiancée, I don’t feel like typing 7 pages so I’ll just suggest something.

Maybe you could get a T and hold it for someone for a while until they can get it.
That way you get to enjoy it but it’s not yours or set up a buy with someone else close to u. That way u get the spider again but it’s not for u.

Also I talked to my fiancée about getting a euathlus bc they were only available from one person and are getting a lot harder to find and she said yes to 2. Bc she knows I won’t get another chance....probably.

You never know, she might come around.

 

[Ungoliant]

Vicariously. Vicariously. Vicariously

Thanks to you I've learned a brand new (for me), overall 'rare' and not so common used, term. A term that reminds to me somewhat connected to religion ('Vicario', in Italian).

It does have some connection to that. This is the etymology (origin) of the word:

1630s, "taking the place of another," from Latin vicarius "that supplies a place; substituted, delegated," from vicis "a change, exchange, interchange; succession, alternation, substitution," from PIE root *weik- (2) "to bend, to wind."

From 1690s as "done or experienced in place of another" (usually in reference to punishment, often of Christ); from 1929 as "experienced imaginatively through another."

 

[Chris LXXIX]

It does have some connection to that. This is the etymology (origin) of the word:

Ah... I was certain of that, because, after all, we gave knowledge to this barbaric world, per Giove! <-- by Jove (Jupiter)!

 

[Wolfspidurguy]

so I have had my very first T a little over two weeks now . And you wouldn’t believe the begging I had to do to get this kritter . My wife is terrified of spiders completely so when I asked for one you can imagine the reaction . Little did I know she had been researching after I suggested it and agreed to come with me to look at them and I could have one if she felt comfy .
Fluffy the B. Hamorii is now on my fireplace and my wife is slowly getting used to it. BUT the bug has bitten me hard and I would love two more . And she will not have any of it . To the point we have argued about it and both gotten incredibly upset .
She doesn’t want more in the house , and doesn’t want to feel more uncomfortable in her own home . I’m annoyed as I just don’t understand and maybe miss read her signals when she’s shown interest in the T and asked to be a part of the cleaning out etc ( she even handled it in the store , not something that will happen at home though) so when I asked for another s*it hit the fan , and I’ve had to back down but am so so disappointed/ upset / frustrated .

Anyone else been in the same boat ? I can’t get more , or just bring one home as it just doesn’t work for us . I think I just wanted to vent and see if there are people in the same boat

i know how this feels when i originally started my parents would force me to keep them outside in the freezing cold in enclosures that collect water inside of them. after haveing to save one from dyeing of hypothermia i argued with my parents until around the same point until they let me keep them in the garage then i put a jumper in my room and when i found out my mom was chill with it i just put them in my room. she just told me the other day that every new spider i get will go in the garage but i got another jumper and she hasnt said anything so i highly doubt she will follow through. now in your situation i would calmly sit your wife down and ask to workout a compromise see if you can convince her to keep them in specific room or something

 

[Garth Vader]

I have a couple of funny stories that relate to this thread and maybe it will help the OP, because it sounds like it is a serious topic for you and for your partner, and understandably so.

You know how you can create a Household on your Amazon account, so you can share things on there? Well I was messing around with my account because I was trying to get two accounts set up on my kindle so I can use it for work and personal use. It is kind of a pain, and one thing I tried was deleting my husband from the household account so I could add my work Amazon account. (It didn't work). Shortly afterwards, I got an email from him that said
"Why did I get kicked out of the household? Can I come back? Is it because of the tarantulas?"



A sense of humor goes a long way. In fact, we have a long running joke about what it would take to divorce the other (dark humor, I know). For me, it is centered around shallow things like if he wore ugly cargo pants or pants with front pleats (ew) and if he, um, let himself go and basically started to look like Comic Book Guy. His jokes are centered around my tarantula obsession. For some reason, we also started pairing these jokes with the song "Relax" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood (the part in the chorus where it goes DUH NUH NUH) so if I bring up a tarantula, he sings that, or when he recently mentioned wearing cargo pants for his new job, I started singing that. I know, we are so darn funny. And remember, it is a joke. I'm not really going to divorce him for wearing cargo pants (although those things are so ugly).

Super weird, I know, but having a laugh about serious topics like scary spiders and ugly pants is very helpful for marriage.

 

[P4RK]

i know how this feels when i originally started my parents would force me to keep them outside in the freezing cold in enclosures that collect water inside of them. after haveing to save one from dyeing of hypothermia i argued with my parents until around the same point until they let me keep them in the garage then i put a jumper in my room and when i found out my mom was chill with it i just put them in my room. she just told me the other day that every new spider i get will go in the garage but i got another jumper and she hasnt said anything so i highly doubt she will follow through. now in your situation i would calmly sit your wife down and ask to workout a compromise see if you can convince her to keep them in specific room or something

Ah I did try this , but unfortunately there isn’t anywhere else i could put more . I suggested the office but she uses that and the guest room is a no as i don’t think anyone staying in there would be happy about it . Hey he garage is just far far to cold . So for now I’m out of options

 

[Wolfspidurguy]

Ah I did try this , but unfortunately there isn’t anywhere else i could put more . I suggested the office but she uses that and the guest room is a no as i don’t think anyone staying in there would be happy about it . Hey he garage is just far far to cold . So for now I’m out of options

okay well if your really desperate to get some more Ts you could set up a work bench in your garage and put a heater on it or a big heat lamp although the treat of a power outage would be something to consider

 

[Deb60]

She said it’s an irrational fear that’s she’s had since a child . Even her parents asked how on earth I had managed to get one in the house

Your very lucky that she allowed you to have a T , I myself never liked them , until I had to babysit three for my daughter for 6weeks , I became interested in them , and once they had gone missed them . I didn’t want a big T to start of with , so got myself a Eauthlus sp red . I now have Ts of various types sizes , but find that to begin with in my case it was the size that I feared the most , this seems to be the case with some of my friends ( those brave enough to enter my flat ) many people are quite happy to look at my dawrf s but not the bigger Ts . If your wife is happy, and only them maybe you could get a smaller T .

 

[Demonclaws]

Perhaps rent a small office nearby if you have extra cash? Sometimes you have express your feelings through action.

To be honest, it would have been better if your wife didn't let you to have any. It's like asking people not to take another bite at a slice of pizza after their first bite, and telling you "you should be grateful that you had one bite at the pizza".

 

[Chris LXXIX]

Well, thank God that I don't have this issue, I'm a privileged (well, ok, I have a perfectly hand made, high quality, wood family - plus, in the case of a divorce the only cash I have to provide is the one for a regular beeswax shipping) but, for the joy of talking, let's say that I'm married with a gurl that doesn't wants spiders around.

Let's see. Uhm, let me think about that

Uhm. Oh uhm.




Problem solved

 

[Haemus]

Definitely play it slow and passive because her overcoming her fear is going to take time. Consider investing some time or money in one of her hobbies to help reciprocate and I think she'll come around

 

[NukaMedia Exotics]

Wow yea see this is why marriage was never appealing to me. I've got 11 Ts in my room plus a scorp tank that I would like to keep.

 

[Ztesch]

So I definitely know what @P4RK is going through. Now my situation might not have been to the same degree but I had the same thing go on after I bought my first B. Hamorii sling. My girlfriend who I have 2 kids with, was against T's from the start. Even after the first she was totally against more. Anyways I think what you need to do is master the Jedi mind trick lol. I swear it works. Damn near every time I want to get a few T's I hear about it for a few weeks and eventually she gets over it. If you were to get another one I reccomend getting a Avic Aviv or a C. Versicolor sling. My gf loves my A. Metallica and I think as much as she claims she doesn't want anymore, I think deep down inside she really enjoys them. If that's a no go and she wont let you put them in your house tell her fine I will build a shed and put them in there. Then show her the prices of the sheds and maybe she will budge.

 

[Ztesch]

Waves hand " You will let me buy those Tarantulas"

 

[Moakmeister]

"I have a proposal. If you let me get more tarantulas, I'll let you be the dom for a night."

 

[Dave Jay]

It’s only maybe 2 inches or so , I didn’t like the substrate that was in the tank that I got as it felt too damp and hard for my liking so as soon as I put the coco fibre in away she went and I have a pretty tank now

My wife was not supportive of me keeping scorpions at all, but I kept them on my computer desk in a corner of the lounge room away from where she sits, and I made all the enclosures decorative in their own right, with or without inhabitants. I taped all the lids on, even where there was no way they could reach the lids anyway, I did it for her piece of mind . I did, and still do all my maintenance, setting up new enclosures, feeding etc after she has gone to bed. After a while she could see that they were no bother to her, we weren't knee deep in escaped scorpions and the enclosures weren't an eyesore, rather they were a feature, and it really didn't impact her life whether there were 5, 10 or 15 enclosures over in my corner. I took photos and cropped them so they were zoomed in and I showed her the best of them so she could see them properly, and see that the different species did look different which explained why I wanted more scorpions when I "had enough already". I even had enlargements printed, framed them and hung them on the wall.
She's still not overly enthused with scorpions, but they are not the evil scary creatures they were to her a few years ago and she understands why I would want that species I haven't had yet.
In your situation I think you've done the right thing by making the enclosure look good, you should also make it absolutely secure too so she can see there is no chance of escape and nothing to worry about. The idea mentioned of keeping the enclosure in a locking cabinet is a good one, I can imagine an elegant drinks cabinet with glass doors or similar if you can fit it into your decor. It will make her feel extra safe, it can't be opened by a visitor and there's no chance of the enclosure being knocked over and the spider escaping that way. Once she is used to that what would it matter if there were an extra enclosure (or 10!) in a locked cabinet?
Taking photos to show her, and your friends is a good, non confronting way to let her really see the spider and develop an appreciation for it's beauty. Friends expressing their wonder may help sway her too.
I'm sure in time she will become more comfortable with the spider and see that there really is nothing to fear, especially if you go overkill on making sure the enclosure is secure. Something visual like tape or a padlock may make her feel better even if they are not really needed.
Best of luck, I'm sure eventually you'll win her over.