- Joined
- Aug 8, 2005
- Messages
- 11,498
(In memory of my dear friend Phil and the amazingly dumb things we did together)
Phil mentioned to me his attic was full of rats. I suggested he get an (Asian) rat snake or two. As these are protected animals he had to toddle all the way down to Lampang to the illegal animal sales shops 100 km away where they will sell you tigers if you have to pocket change.
He returned and proudly showed me the bag which contained two large adult ratters. He opened the bag cautiously and we got a hint of things to come. One shot straight up and missed his face by maybe an inch, close to 5 feet in the air. (Not only can these little snorkers hurl themselves clean off the ground when expressing their opinions, I'm convinced they can fly.
So we retired to the upstairs bathroom which provided access to the attic and would also contain an escapee. When he got tagged a second time trying to get one out of the bag Phil just dumped them both on the floor. Chaos doesn't even begin to describe. They were both over 5 feet long and hot and irritated from a 100 km car ride. After a couple hundred revolutions of the bathroom I felt safest holding my arms in the air in order to provide less of a target. In reflection, a pair of wiser humanoids would have stuffed the sack in a freezer for a couple of weeks to slow those guys down.
Phil finally managed to catch one by the simple method of getting tagged then grabbing the tagger. He got it about 6 inches from it's head and it released then latched on to a finger like a bear trap. Sticking his hand in water (the toilet bowl) only got the snake pissed off and munch harder. I finally talked him into sticking his snaked hand into the dark attic access hole. A few seconds later it let go and was gone.
Immediately after that successful release I pointed out to Phil the other release was also accomplished as snake number 2 disappeared into the drain. Done! If only.
Please allow me to introduce the players in the second act.
Phils wife Ann. Puts on a reasonably good show of calm and sedate when company is present. Otherwise, hide the machetes and cleavers when Phil and I are into animal antics. H*llfire and Brimstone appears to be her favorite dessert.
Ann's mother. Where do you think Ann got her attitude from?
Ann's sister. College student. Sweetness and light personified. Never seems to come up to speed on anything. Charming, soft spoken and gentle.
One month later. Phil mentioned to me he made a minor mistake. He had bats in the attic. Had being the operating word. He had seen none after the two weeks post snake release. A minor oops on our part. On the bright side, the local rat population was rapidly disappearing. We sat on the porch chatting. A calm idyllic afternoon, or thereabouts. Phil was on edge as his in laws were visiting. Even the slightest mention of any kind of fauna was strictly taboo. Even his cockatoo was confined to it's cage when in laws invaded.
The scream was... I guess awesome would best describe. Really resonating, a high pitched modulated thing that lasted about 5 seconds that reminded me of the Federal Sign and Signal<TM> 'Dambuster' warning siren. It came from the guest bathroom and little sister therein. Neither Phil nor I moved. In our minds we both ran through our private lists of what we had done that would have caused it. Sis made an appearance in the living room not well clad in a very small towel. She is way on the far side of hysterics, half collapsing as she lets loose a second scream that rattles the windows.
Phil and I looked at each other. We arrived at the same conclusion at the same exact instant. Ann made an appearance, trying to calm her sister. I was quicker out of the gate by a few milliseconds and spoke before Phil could. "I'll get the snake." I then added with a gleeful grin and a glance at the two female homonids, "It's safer!"
Sure enough, ratter #2 had come up out of the drain. It was actually self preservation that I practiced Phil's method of catching the thing. I stooped, stepped on it's tail, let it tag me then grabbed it. A 'Dude, neither you nor I want to be in this house when Ann and mom get up a full head of steam and that's already happening' move on my part.
I made it down the stairs at a moderate gallop, made the hard right U-turn, and slipped on a throw rug. I clambered to my feet using the pool table to help me up. Mom is on the opposite side of the table staring at the thing in my left hand. Turning right I burn rubber, nearly going down again on that damned rug and blitzed for the door. I made it out and turned back to see if mom had cognized on what I was holding. Maybe wishful thinking, I thought I was fast enough to where she might not have... No follow up scream so cool.
I turn around to find myself face to face with sis. She had been so freaked she ran out the door. She took me in and focused on my left hand for a few millennium while I stood there stupefied. Another scream, much more painful than the snake bite then she spins and runs down the driveway and into the street. My brain locked up. When Ann finds out I sent her near naked sister ...
I hear Phil's voice behind me. "What happened?" I looked at him over my shoulder while holding up the snake and pointing in the direction of the road. Then our instincts took over. Phil is staring at the snake. I join him. It's a fabulous specimen, nearly 6 feet long, in the prime of life and perfect health. That was our first really good look at either of them. We got brain dead in our adoration just long enough for Ann to come out. Phil's brain scrambled madly for something and he announced 'We caught it!' I held up the snake for proof. Uhhh.... duhhh.... Ann screamed just like her sister and the door slams in our faces.
(I miss you Phil. We sure had some fun times.)
Phil mentioned to me his attic was full of rats. I suggested he get an (Asian) rat snake or two. As these are protected animals he had to toddle all the way down to Lampang to the illegal animal sales shops 100 km away where they will sell you tigers if you have to pocket change.
He returned and proudly showed me the bag which contained two large adult ratters. He opened the bag cautiously and we got a hint of things to come. One shot straight up and missed his face by maybe an inch, close to 5 feet in the air. (Not only can these little snorkers hurl themselves clean off the ground when expressing their opinions, I'm convinced they can fly.
So we retired to the upstairs bathroom which provided access to the attic and would also contain an escapee. When he got tagged a second time trying to get one out of the bag Phil just dumped them both on the floor. Chaos doesn't even begin to describe. They were both over 5 feet long and hot and irritated from a 100 km car ride. After a couple hundred revolutions of the bathroom I felt safest holding my arms in the air in order to provide less of a target. In reflection, a pair of wiser humanoids would have stuffed the sack in a freezer for a couple of weeks to slow those guys down.
Phil finally managed to catch one by the simple method of getting tagged then grabbing the tagger. He got it about 6 inches from it's head and it released then latched on to a finger like a bear trap. Sticking his hand in water (the toilet bowl) only got the snake pissed off and munch harder. I finally talked him into sticking his snaked hand into the dark attic access hole. A few seconds later it let go and was gone.
Immediately after that successful release I pointed out to Phil the other release was also accomplished as snake number 2 disappeared into the drain. Done! If only.
Please allow me to introduce the players in the second act.
Phils wife Ann. Puts on a reasonably good show of calm and sedate when company is present. Otherwise, hide the machetes and cleavers when Phil and I are into animal antics. H*llfire and Brimstone appears to be her favorite dessert.
Ann's mother. Where do you think Ann got her attitude from?
Ann's sister. College student. Sweetness and light personified. Never seems to come up to speed on anything. Charming, soft spoken and gentle.
One month later. Phil mentioned to me he made a minor mistake. He had bats in the attic. Had being the operating word. He had seen none after the two weeks post snake release. A minor oops on our part. On the bright side, the local rat population was rapidly disappearing. We sat on the porch chatting. A calm idyllic afternoon, or thereabouts. Phil was on edge as his in laws were visiting. Even the slightest mention of any kind of fauna was strictly taboo. Even his cockatoo was confined to it's cage when in laws invaded.
The scream was... I guess awesome would best describe. Really resonating, a high pitched modulated thing that lasted about 5 seconds that reminded me of the Federal Sign and Signal<TM> 'Dambuster' warning siren. It came from the guest bathroom and little sister therein. Neither Phil nor I moved. In our minds we both ran through our private lists of what we had done that would have caused it. Sis made an appearance in the living room not well clad in a very small towel. She is way on the far side of hysterics, half collapsing as she lets loose a second scream that rattles the windows.
Phil and I looked at each other. We arrived at the same conclusion at the same exact instant. Ann made an appearance, trying to calm her sister. I was quicker out of the gate by a few milliseconds and spoke before Phil could. "I'll get the snake." I then added with a gleeful grin and a glance at the two female homonids, "It's safer!"
Sure enough, ratter #2 had come up out of the drain. It was actually self preservation that I practiced Phil's method of catching the thing. I stooped, stepped on it's tail, let it tag me then grabbed it. A 'Dude, neither you nor I want to be in this house when Ann and mom get up a full head of steam and that's already happening' move on my part.
I made it down the stairs at a moderate gallop, made the hard right U-turn, and slipped on a throw rug. I clambered to my feet using the pool table to help me up. Mom is on the opposite side of the table staring at the thing in my left hand. Turning right I burn rubber, nearly going down again on that damned rug and blitzed for the door. I made it out and turned back to see if mom had cognized on what I was holding. Maybe wishful thinking, I thought I was fast enough to where she might not have... No follow up scream so cool.
I turn around to find myself face to face with sis. She had been so freaked she ran out the door. She took me in and focused on my left hand for a few millennium while I stood there stupefied. Another scream, much more painful than the snake bite then she spins and runs down the driveway and into the street. My brain locked up. When Ann finds out I sent her near naked sister ...
I hear Phil's voice behind me. "What happened?" I looked at him over my shoulder while holding up the snake and pointing in the direction of the road. Then our instincts took over. Phil is staring at the snake. I join him. It's a fabulous specimen, nearly 6 feet long, in the prime of life and perfect health. That was our first really good look at either of them. We got brain dead in our adoration just long enough for Ann to come out. Phil's brain scrambled madly for something and he announced 'We caught it!' I held up the snake for proof. Uhhh.... duhhh.... Ann screamed just like her sister and the door slams in our faces.
(I miss you Phil. We sure had some fun times.)
