Proof I'm a Snark, boojum variety, if anyone had any doubts

[The Snark]

After living in guano central for over a decade, or as a nod to AA Milne, The House With Poo Corners, I'm beyond fed up living with geckos. I could grow sizable gardens behind some of the kitchen fixtures.

Then a few nights ago we were watching the little fuzzy, AKA a kitten, AKA Sea Cow (all white in Thai) AKA, as a nod to Mel Brookes, Major @$$hole, as it perambulated, annoyed, vexed, and otherwise disturbed the repose and tranquility of our idyll. The boss explained as the critter attempted to hook, gaff, boat, clean and debone one of my toes that it was hunting geckos.

So I snarked that would have made the Baker quake in his monkey slippers. Grabbing the cat in the tried and tested position, one hand holding it's back legs, one hand around the barrel behind the forelegs I walked over to the wall and pointed my new invention at a gecko. KERSNATCH! I dropped the cat on the floor where it finished maiming and settled down to an after dinner snack. When that was gone I gathered it up in the aforementioned prescribed manner, pointed it geckwards and again, KERSNATCH with some snaffle tossed in. Dessert!

So bite me, fluffy minded animal lovers, or come on over and you try catching and relocating the little manure factories. We need some entertainment.

 

[RyTheTGuy]

What did you just say?

 

[buddah4207]

That's one way to deal with a gecko problem hahaha

Now you just need to attach cat to pole for those hard to reach ones lol

 

[Biollantefan54]

Yeah, what lol?

 

[Bryan64]

What did you just say?

i know this is random but after reading the op's post i scrolled down and saw this and almost died of laughter :3

 

[The Snark]

“Only a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and, indeed, the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in a most humorous sadness.”

IE I only annotate during Thursday full moons and then only if their are sufficient marmosets in the audience.

Re: Buddha4207 ...I suppose I could try saran wrap. I'm nearly out of duct tape and that would be really hard to explain to the boss if I get caught. Make a heck of a Youtube until PETA goes after my scalp.

 

[The Snark]

So there we are in the computer room this evening, watching a George Carlin video. The cat is sitting in the middle of the floor staring intently at the ceiling. After a while it moves onto the boss's stomach for a better view. She (the boss) is intrigued. The cat has a gecko spotted on that ceiling in the corner. She first tests the cat. She picks it up and holds it in a wide variety of assorted positions. You got upside down cat, sideways cat, curled up sideways left cat, upside down ball cat, but always managing to keep it's face pointing at that gecko.

So genius goes and puts the cat on top of /that/ book case so it can have a better view. You know the book case. Most houses have one. It has got filled with every bit of printed matter junk that has crossed the threshold since you moved in, except books. Once filled, the top gets covered. A stack of magazines, a couple of broken lamps, 16 assorted cords you didn't need when you bought those gadgets, a burned out bug bat you've been meaning to fix for 4 years and so on, all precariously stacked on top of that book case.

1 millionth of a microsecond later the cat leaps. It's about a 5 foot leap as it's about a 9 foot ceiling. It's a nine foot ceiling because I don't think anyone in the construction crew that built the house owned a tape measure but anyway. It's a sizable leap for a kitten but no problem, she uses the less stable lamp up there on her trip up. Then it's just a bounce off the wall and the gecko is grabbed with all four paws. The cat is delighted... and defective. Apparently the cats land on their feet part of the cat manual is way towards the back which she hasn't gotten to yet. She descends with geckoed feet straight up in the air, her head smacks the book case with a wallop, she half spins sideways which puts her between book case and wall: bump clunk bump bang clunk bang bump splat, flat on her back. Then a squealed meow as the lamp falls on top of her.

The boss no longer, wifey is horror struck. She's just murdered a gecko and maybe the cat. No, she lifts the lamp off the body to discover the cat is completely preoccupied with gecko. Wifey curls up in a chair, covering her head with her hands at the insanity and carnage that is supposed to be my job. The silence is broken by the other lamp, which had been teetering unnoticed for well over a minute, falling to smash on the floor an inch from the cat, followed immediately by the bug bat. Wifey is all grimaces and groans. The cat doesn't even notice. Trying to not laugh I go back to Carlin. That lasts about 2 minutes when wifey lets go with an anguished howl. The cat has leaped onto her chest, it's face a couple of inches from hers, the gecko's tail stick out of it's mouth, wriggling away.

Sorry, no sympathy. That might have been the gecko that got in the last computer, taking it's potty break on the motherboard and sent the thing to the great electron dump in the sky. I try to strike up a conversation. I have the idea of getting a bamboo pole about 6 feet long and cobbing a little cat seat on one end. Then I can... no. Wifey has covered her ears. And I thought it was such a good idea too.

 

[buddah4207]

Haha that's one hell of a cat you have there! I still think the pole idea would work lol.

 

[lancej]

That is just too funny!

 

[ZergFront]

The first post I was like, "What is this guy going on about?" Last post from OP = LOL!!

 

[The Snark]

We moved the kitchen cabinet to do some serious long overdue cleaning. Imagine trying to push/shift a pick up truck with 4 flat tires and the parking brake on. There in the farthest corner in what would be complete darkness is an inch tall 4 square inch area gecko manure pile. A tiny plant with 4 leaves and a near microscopic blue flower is growing on the top of the pile. I'm moving all furniture and fixture out away from the walls. Have at it, cat. As a nod to S Morgenstern, paraphrased, let there be no survivors!

Bibliography:
Lewis Carrol, The Hunting of the Snark.
A. A. Milne, House at Pooh Corner.
Mel Brookes, Spaceballs.
William Shakespeare, As You Like It.
S Morgenstern, The Princess Bride.

 

[stewstew8282]

I for one was completely taken in by your first post. It was very well written, and intensely enjoyed. We demand moar!