need ideas for convincing boyfriend

[rapunzel]

Hi..brand new here. I have been a lurker for about a week. i have a dilemma and need some ideas to convince my boyfriend to allow my son to have a tarantula.
My son is nine and has been asking for one for over a month now. I have done the research and provided a proper set up. I planned on purchasing him one at an upcoming show in February.
I posted for ideas on the best beginner T on the Kingsnake board which is almost a dead board. VERY SLOW.
Details I should share with you are : my husband always had tarantulas, and he passed away, and I feel that this is one way that my son will feel connected to his dad. I am an adult, 33 years old, and I have not asked for permission to own any critter since I first lived on my own at 17, and this is something new to me. We now live with my boyfriend so he gets the last word on issues such as this.
Basically he would not be responsible for one tiny little bit, but he says he hates spiders and he doesnt want one in his house. My son has tried to tell him it wouldnt get out, and he would take care of it, etc.(of course this means I would, but that is to be expected).
Well, I am at a loss on how to proceed. Seriously, I do not know what to do; it never occured to me that I would be told "NO", and I have told my son to research everything he can about tarantulas before I would get him one, and that is his ongoing project now...and every day after school, he goes into his room to see if I have actually gotten him one yet...Last night, I tried to approach the subject again with my b/f, and I pointed out how good it would be for my kid who is missing his dad (imagine being "replaced" by a tarantula! ) and that it has an escape-proof tank set up in his room.....I reminded him on how responsible my kid is, and myself (currently a vet tech student, yet running this family and household without skipping a beat),,,but he stubbornly refused to budge. So, now, I wonder...any of y'all have any suggestions for me?

 

[Henry Kane]

The best advice I could give you would be just to keep the idea fresh and try to educate your boyfriend on tarantulas. Maybe he could even check out this forum and such and learn a little about tarantulas here. There are even several smaller T species available in the hobby (like Paraphysa scrofa-Chilean Copper) that aren't quite as intimidating as some of the bigger T's. Or, maybe let your son keep some of your local true spider species from the house or yard or whatever as pets for a while. Maybe after a little while, your boyfriend will get used to them and you can try to move your way up to tarantulas.

Well, good luck. I hope you can work it out.

Atrax

 

[The_Phantom]

As for getting a tarantula for your son, I would try to educate the BF on tarantulas. Tell him how the docile ones almost never bite. Tell him how few people have died from tarantula bites, and that you are far more likely to develop infection due to cat or dog scratches and bites. In fact, you'd probably be safer to live with 1000 tarantulas that never came out of their cages than cats and dogs. Although I admit, the risk is low for cats and dogs. Explain to him, that contrary to his imaginations beliefs, no tarantula has ever been seen or known to LIFT off a large lid or open a door to its enclosure. I would recommend you get your son a Chilean Rose, (Grammostola Rosea) they are just as cute as a little fuzzy brown mouse. Next, I would consider teasing about his spider fear. Harmless teasing. Tell him that getting a tarantula would desensitize him to tarantulas and spiders and help him over come his fear. Act really sympathetic towards his fear and he may cave in to not appear a wimp! (worked for me!!) Even if he was to get bitten (not likely!) the spiders bite may very well be a dry bite, containing no venom. And in the case of a Chilean Rose, her first line of defence would be flicking urticating hairs, then macho posturing. Spiders do not usually bite for no apparent reason! Tarantula will not escape its cage @ night, come into the room and bite your BF on the neck just cuz hes afraid of it. YOu need to adress all his fears.

U could also tell him about a story I heard: There was this scientist who spent his whole life studying tarantulas and actually wanted one to bite him. It took him years and years, but he finally got one to bite him.

I have no idea where I read it but its a true story.

Hope this helps!



Mina

 

[rapunzel]

i didnt mean to start a posting war..

Thank you for both of your advice. The trick is, that me and my three kids live in my Boyfriends house. There is no way I could walk out and leave our life as it is ,over a tarantula. He is very very good to us in many many ways, this is the first "snag" we have hit.He never said anything about the treefrogs or the leopard geckos that we have...
I am thinking that perhaps I can convince him that they do not escape...therefore there should be no fear...everyone has something they are fearful of...perhaps this is his. One thing I will NOT do is let him watch "Arachnophobia", lol. I already set up the tank so that he could get used to the idea, and see there is no escape routes..of course, at the time, i didnt have a clue he was gonna say "NO". And by doing that, I got my kids hopes up...
it is hard to explain to him why we have to have permission (you are the MOM, mom)...but it is a good way to let him see that a family has to agree upon certain things...

 

[Chris]

Well... most when most women really want to change a man's mind they either poke fun at his manhood and bruise his ego... or they deny him sex until he changes his mind

I am sure he will crack lol

If he still has problems tell him to call me... I could sell ice to Eskimos

 

[atavuss]

how about putting the enclosure the tarantula is in inside another, larger enclosure as a fail safe? if you approach your B/F this way he may soften a bit. many of us keep centipedes like this.
Ed

 

[anthony2561]

Forget him, get a rosie=D great starter T's!!!! Or if u want a more colorful spider try the Orange Usambra Baboon, or for a less exotic spider try the Pink Zebra Beauty, all good choices!!!! And if ur B/f doesnt like it, just say "What-ever! This is my kid!! I will give him what ever the hell i want to!!"

But then again im inly 13:}

_______________________
"I farted on your mother's face last night..."

~Neil Diamond~

 

[Bridget]

Hmm...tell him if he it too chicken for your son to have a T then he needs a bigger set of balls. Ts are nothing to be afraid of. They are awesome, beautiful and interesting creatures. Having one as a pet will teach your son responsibility as well as how to appreciate just how wonderful Ts are. It's sad how someone being ignorant will hinder someone else's happiness. If having Ts will help your son remember his daddy, then your boyfriend should be all for it. He is acting very selfish and cowardly. Having a pet dog can be more dangerous than having a T.

Hmmfph

That's all I have to say on that. Toodles.
Bridget

 

[rob]

At first, I was pretty much thinking like everyone else here, that your B/F is selfish, uncooperative, stubborn, etc. Thinking about it and reading your second post, I changed my mind and can understand and agree that if he's a great guy in every other way and you love him, it would be crazy to split up just for a T. I think if you keep trying to persuade him, he'll eventually buckle. Surely there's got to be a compromise he'd agree to. If he really is terrified of spiders (panic attacks, anxiety, totally freaks out), you could be in for a tough battle. Maybe he's willing to go the pet store and just check one out (and you can check out his reaction). Good luck.

 

[MrT]

Originally posted by atavuss
how about putting the enclosure the tarantula is in inside another, larger enclosure as a fail safe? if you approach your B/F this way he may soften a bit. many of us keep centipedes like this.
Ed

I think Ed has the right idea.
Insulting your B/F wont help, and straining your relationship wont do the trick either. I'm sure you know this, and will take some of these suggestions with a grain of salt.
Welcome to the group. And I hope your B/F will come around.
Maybe he can get on the boards and ask some questions to relieve his concerns.

Ernie

 

[Maggie]

Compromise IS probably best if it can be done. I think ignorance on what a Tarantula is presents much of the problem. I wish you luck! I can sympathize though. Our town is 300 people and my daughter was all excited about the T's, told a couple friends. I had the chief of police at my door. Mayberry revisited,lol He was a bit upset because i said it was MY house and since there wasnt a problem i did not have to let him in. Being polite/firm but i thought he was going to explode...
But turns out i was right and there is nothing illegal about it. Just to clear things up, i am going to the next council meeting armed with as much information as i can get and possibly one of the more docile tarantulas.
Maybe this kind of tactic would work with your boyfriend?

 

[Lasiodora]

Hi Rapunzel,
To be honest when I was younger I was afraid of tarantulas. I thought that they were deadly. This was only because the wrong information was passed on to me by my parents. Unfortunately most people pass on this fear of arachnids to the people around them. I think that you will find that most people will change their minds once they know the facts. I did. As I got older I took it upon myself to read up about tarantulas. I soon found that most of what was told to me was not based on fact. The more I learned about them, the more I became interested. When I finally held a tarantula, which was a rose hair, I was hooked. First thing you need to do is learn everything you can about tarantulas. Then play a game of Q & A with your b/f. Ask him what it is about T's that makes him uncomfortable. Then hit him with the facts. Try to dispel any myths about T's that he believes. Make the conversation casual and non-confrontational. If he does not want to speak about it at that moment then leave it for another time. After you guys get through the facts, you should all plan a trip to a show. Don't buy anything at that show. Just make it a trip to introduce him to live T's. Maybe a dealer can take one out and handle it for you. There are many docile T's to choose from. Eventually he may come to realize that T's are not little demons. BTW there has never been a medically reported death from a T bite.
Good Luck,
Mike

 

[Slide]

Pick up a copy of the Tarantula Keeper's Guide, by Mr. Stanley Schultz & Co. Great book, for a number of reasons, but in your case, just maybe leaving a copy of it lying around on the breakfast table or something...you know...

It should be more than adequate for disspelling most of the myths surrounding tarantulas, and it would be a very non-confrontational way for him to approach things at his own speed (and without risking his pride by being teased, confronted, whatever; if such is his lot).

The book sells for around $15, and is all but mandatory reading for any T-keeper anyway, so you'd likely end up with a copy sooner or later, regardless. But if he has a chance to page through it, on his own time, without any outside pressure, it certainly couldn't hurt the battle any..

 

[mebebraz]

Welcome to the greatest web ever, well, non porn related anyways, tell your boyfriend to start reading these posts, that might help. I have a son that loves them, he is now 9 going on fifteen, but all the same, I trust him with the t's and I trust the t's with him. Ask him if your son cant have a tarantula, what other pets might be in order for your son, and then tell him cost wise and care wise it would be easier for a t. To tell you the truth, most kids would most likely lose interest in a dog or a cat before losing interest in a t.
Either way, whatever his choice is, welcome and goodluck.

 

[Mojo Jojo]

*ranting an opinion:*

Um. You don't need permisson. This decision should be yours and your sons. Period! If your BF cant accept this, maybe he shouldn't be your BF. I think that the emotional needs of your son should take priority over all else!

There is no way, that another guy will ever be able to fill the shoes of your kid's father. However, whatever guy that you have in your life, will be a role model. Do you really want a weenie for a role model?

Jon

I hope that i didn't offend, this is just how I feel!

 

[Mojo Jojo]

Re: i didnt mean to start a posting war..

Originally posted by rapunzel
Thank you for both of your advice. The trick is, that me and my three kids live in my Boyfriends house. There is no way I could walk out and leave our life as it is ,over a tarantula. He is very very good to us in many many ways, this is the first "snag" we have hit.He never said anything about the treefrogs or the leopard geckos that we have...
I am thinking that perhaps I can convince him that they do not escape...therefore there should be no fear...everyone has something they are fearful of...perhaps this is his. One thing I will NOT do is let him watch "Arachnophobia", lol. I already set up the tank so that he could get used to the idea, and see there is no escape routes..of course, at the time, i didnt have a clue he was gonna say "NO". And by doing that, I got my kids hopes up...
it is hard to explain to him why we have to have permission (you are the MOM, mom)...but it is a good way to let him see that a family has to agree upon certain things...

Well, I currently have a pink toe wandering s'ling around somewhere in my house. (Hopefully in my house and not in my cats stomach) They do sometimes get out...

 

[Valael]

I'm going to agree with Big Dragonfly on this one completely. You shouldn't need permission.



If it was something that cost a lot of money, then I can understand both of you having a word in it, but tarantulas are cheap and I'm willing to bet it'll be your money paying for it, not his.



That aside, I'd say just get it. The vast majority of people I've met who were living with a spider hater when they got there first (Yes, I said first. Once you get one, you can't stop.) tarantula had the hater turn into a lover and end up wanting more. Once they realize how docile a G. Rosea (or any other calm species) really is, they'll get over their fears and irrational fears (That's my opinion, anyways -- about arachnophobia being irrational, I mean) and maybe even move on to the more aggressive ones.

 

[Code Monkey]

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon here and say that while technically the BF can forbid the T since it's his place, I would question the value of any relationship where rules were so arbitrarily and finally applied.

As an example, my wife has a horse. There are few things in the world more impractical than a horse except possibly a boat. It is a money sucking black hole, and we don't have any money to speak of (heck, we're both students at the moment ). If it were up to me, we would have never gotten the horse in the first place, and we certainly would not have kept it when we returned to school.

But, it's not up to me.

She wants that horse, she loves that horse. I could be a total ass and absolutely forbid her to have that horse and she very well might get rid of it under those circumstances, but she'd never forget it, and it would affect our relationship very negatively.

But this street runs both ways in our household, if it were up to her, I wouldn't have my centipedes, I wouldn't have spent so much money on gaming over the years, I would only have a couple of Ts, and I most definitely would not have my roach colony going in the closet.

Neither of us is the ultimate boss of the other one, and when someone really wants something, the other usually takes that into account and grants permission even if they really hate the idea. In my opinion, that's how it should be. If you really want to get a T for you and your son then there is no good reason why the BF should prevent it, arachnophobia or not.

As others have suggested, you should get him a copy of the Tarantula Keeper's Guide (or Sam Marshal's Tarantulas and other Arachnids - it's shorter and more concise but the TKG is the more thorough). Ask him to look over these boards. Flood him with pictures of beautiful Ts from the web. None of this may convince him directly, but it may show him how much you care about the subject - and if he really does care about you and your son he will allow it.

Ts don't take up any room to speak of, have no odor, and make no noise. They almost take less care than a cactus - they are truly low impact pets.

No one can guarantee a T won't escape - I had a P. cancerides loose in my parents house for about 3 months when I was 11 after it escaped from a new cage that apparently was not so secure. It never attacked the guests, ran across sleeping people's faces, nor anything else. It just showed up one day dehydrated and hungry and my parents yelled at me to come catch my spider, no big deal.

No one can guarantee a T won't bite, but the odds are extremely slim if you're smart about it. First, there are plenty of species that rarely bite except for unusual circumstances. Second, there are plenty of ways to avoid ever making contact with a tarantula in your care (no contact = no bite). I've got about two decades of experience with keeping Ts and the only time I came close to getting bitten I'd been deliberately provoking the spider for some time. They're not vicious creatures, period.

Last, not only is it "how few" people have died from Ts (as Savior put it) it's NO people have died from Ts. There are no documented cases of a death from a T bite. There is anecdotal evidence of some complications from some of the Asian and Australian species, but still no deaths. People in your household would be under more threat from a cocker spaniel than they would a tarantula.

At any rate, I can't truly judge your situation since I'm not in it, but I've said my piece and gave the only sort of pointers I can. I hope you have luck in convincing this grown man that a spider that weighs about 1/1000th what he does is not posing a threat.

 

[anthony2561]

well.......

I hate my step-father, for hateing my T's.... All he wants 2 do is have a good reason for killing on of them. SO if ur b/f doent like them he probley wont like having them at his house, and because of my T's my releationship with my step father, has gone very weak...SO dont let a T get in the way of a b/f. But try 2 get him something like a snake or a rosie=D . Hope u do good with that

 

[SpyderByte]

I don't know what your relationship with your BF is like. If its a good one and he cares about you and your kids, I would take these into account.

Some peeps have a strong fear of spiders and snakes -- for that matter many things. To force things upon them is wrong. And using the relationship to justify having things is kind of screwed up too. ie If you love me you will let me have this.

As some of the peeps have said, educate him. Find out why he doesn't want to have tarantulas. If its fear, then help him to over come his fear. Don't just shove down his throat. But the process may take a while -- even years. We as T keepers know that most of the fears peeps have are unsubstantial. But that is do to education and familiarity.

You did state he allowed other animals in the house. He may not even want those in the house. Maybe he is already allowing more than he would.

Now if he is demanding dictator. Rules the roost with an iron thumb and you have to submit to his will. Then I would drop the guy in a heart beat. But this is your relationship not mine.

Your son may never get a T, while your with your BF. But that does not mean he can not have good memories of his father and that you can not help promote those memories. I have a daughter and she doesnt get everything she wants. And I'm sure their are people out there who would argue that she does "need" them or whats the harm in her having one (I'm not speaking of Ts, just saying in general).

Once again just my opinons. Takes a big man (well person) to take on anothers family and all the obligations that come with them. If Ts were such a big part of your life you should have found out first that he didnt want them. If they are a new/renewed passion and depending on how important your BF is -- either bring him to the darkside or get rid of him. If both are equally important, I'm sure in time you can work things out.

Many other things I would like to say. But I have more posts to read, hehehehe.

Best of luck.

Arnie