This happen to you before???

[Paramite]

In my State it is legal to stop someone from hurting someone else. And I have done it so I know how it works from both sides. Ussually these kind of people wont do it in public, but have had to knock on the neighbors door before and tell him what was about to happen. After I got my degree in LE and became a prison guard it became a lot easier.

Though if you don't have the body mass or/and the training/experience, those situations can be extremely dangerous. Many have lost their lives when they tried to stop a fight. Of course it depends of the situation.

 

[Exo]

Though if you don't have the body mass or/and the training/experience, those situations can be extremely dangerous. Many have lost their lives when they tried to stop a fight. Of course it depends of the situation.

If there is one thing I have, It's body mass!

 

[Steve Calceatum]

Here in Oregon, we have no "Defense Law" protecting those who defend themselves or others. So you could even go to jail for trying to protect your kids from bad situations. I know that one firsthand. One of my ex-wife's former boyfriends wasn't going to let me walk out the door with my children (my son had a few new bruises on his face from this @$$hole too BTW). Kids' mom was in the hospital, and under heavy sedation after surgery, so there was no way for me to get her to call off the "Guard-Dog." And even though I had a court-order, and had suspected abuse, the police said they were not getting involved.....until they showed up on my doorstep to arrest me for dropping his sorry ass to the floor. This domineering male-monkey MF decked me in the face, and pulled a knife on me.....right in front of my kids. I only hit the dude once (he got off lucky IMO), but that gave him all the ammo he needed to call the police and create a huge mess for me and the kids.

 

[Paramite]

Here in Oregon, we have no "Defense Law" protecting those who defend themselves or others. So you could even go to jail for trying to protect your kids from bad situations.

Here in Finland we have self-defense laws, but it's basicly a joke. If someone attacks you and you end up winning the fight, you'll be the one in court.

 

[robertcarst]

Here in Finland we have self-defense laws, but it's basicly a joke. If someone attacks you and you end up winning the fight, you'll be the one in court.

You guys should see Romania, it's a joke of a country.

 

[MOA]

I beleive Kansas either just passed or is looking into "Stand your ground" laws. That means you have no legal requirment to run away from a threat, and you can intervien to protect others. I really need to look this up tho, so dont quote me on that. My person feeling is it is all peoples duty to help others, for most probley thru calling the cops, or at least somehting. Most people that abuse women are scared of any confrontation at all, but I think a LOT of officers have been hurt/killed ansewering DB calls.

 

[Ether Imp]

I ran into a situation similar to these mentioned a few years ago in Phoenix Arizona. I had this young couple as roommates in an apartment complex, but neither of them were on the lease at the time. The guy had a bit of a drinking problem, and their relationship was always "on the rocks".. I came home one weekend after working out of town for the entire week and found the house dark and quiet, and as I walked towards my room I found her in the bathroom with the lights out and bruises all over her face.. She started crying and said "You scared me! I thought you were him." .. No sooner did she say that than he started pounding on the door demanding that she let him in. I told her to go into my bedroom, keep the lights off, lock the door, grab my baseball bat, and call the cops. He kept pounding on the door and I stood quietly in the bathroom.. He kicked the door down, came stomping down the hallway and I sucker punched him from the bathroom before he got to the door. Knocked him out cold, dragged him to the porch, got her out of the bedroom and out of the house, got my baseball bat, and waited for the cops to arrive. He had no idea I was home and after a moment or two he regained consciousness but was in no mood to fight at that point.

He got hauled off to jail and the cops hardly questioned me as to why I did what I did. I simply told them he wasn't on the lease and he kicked in my door looking to beat up his girlfriend, who was my roommate.

Arizona is considered the "wild wild west", and we have some very lenient gun and self defense laws. Although I learned the hard way back in 1999 that "Self-defense" is not "let the other guy hit you first then it's okay to hit them back".

The person has to be repeatedly assaulting you and you need to fear for your own safety before it's considered self-defense. If somebody punches you in the face just once, and then stops... You do not have the right to punch them back. You only have the right to call the police and file assault charges. I did a night in jail, paid 500 dollars in fines, and had to take 12 weeks of anger management when I was 19 for "Misdemeanor assault" when I was punched once by someone and responded by beating him unconscious.

I don't know what point all of this has.. But a good rule of thumb is: Avoid conflict as much as possible, but also stand your ground when necessary. And, sometimes spending a night in jail and paying some fines is worth it. Abusive husbands/boyfriends are pretty near the bottom of the barrel, right down there with rapists and child molestors. If you're going to "teach them a lesson" make sure you have an escape route planned and cover your bases.

 

[Sathane]

Regardless of any laws, anonymous vigilantism works great in these cases. If the guy receives a thrashing and is reminded that he will get worse ones when he least expects it, cowards tend to mind themselves at least for a short while. Of course, the victim should leave to prevent any backlash. If he doesn't know who you are you can't be prosecuted and the police aren't going to look too hard for someone who beat a woman who didn't deserve it.

Oh, and since I know someone is going to go nuts over that last sentence, I'm not one to be so stupid as to believe that women don't also instigate domestic abuse. I had a friend whose girlfriend beat the crap out of him constantly for anything. She took advantage of the fact that he followed a strict, "Never hit a woman" code.
Regardless of what gear you have between your legs, if you can beat someone you can be beat right back.

 

[Venari]

While I'm sure it makes people feel great to claim they'd ride in on a white horse and punch the guy in the face (in my experience no one who says that would actually do it),

This is true. Hell, I don't even say I would do it. One of my sisters lives with a douchebag. They have their fights. Often. She's missing teeth. We don't help her anymore. She repeatedly goes back to him, even when Mom pays for tickets to come back home, she stays a while then goes back. Hell, I've got several neices and nephews that the CAS have taken away from her.

I've never understood the Bad Boy Appeal. Here's me, nice guy (well, except I don't help HER), constantly single (well, i'm kinda socially inept, that's probably why), and all sorts of jerks get the nice girls.

@OP: That isn't a relationship. Get a new place, don't tell him where, and move. Get the dog back. Help yourself. If you wont, nobody else will. The legal system sucks ANYWHERE. They can only help you so much, you have to do the rest. Get friends and family involved. Hell, living under a bridge with your dog would be better than in that house with HIM.

 

[Sathane]

Exactly, you can't help someone who doesn't want help. Sadly, I think this may be the case here as well. It might be nice to get a lot of attention once in a while when you spill out your woes on a Tarantula Forum for all to see but the attention ends when everyone notices that the person isn't heeding perfectly sound advice.

The bottom line is, I'm sure the OP has heard everything in this thread many many times over in the 4 years she's been with this person. As was mentioned earlier, if she hasn't left already she's not likely to leave now. Unfortunately, the only thing that I think will get her to leave (assuming this is even real) is a tragedy.

Anyhow, I'll be unsubscribing from this thread now and refraining from commenting further as you can only read the exact same sentiments so many times before it gets tiring.

This is true. Hell, I don't even
say I would do it. One of my sisters lives with a douchebag. They have their fights. Often. She's missing teeth. We don't help her anymore. She repeatedly goes back to him, even when Mom pays for tickets to come back home, she stays a while then goes back. Hell, I've got several neices and nephews that the CAS have taken away from her.

I've never understood the Bad Boy Appeal. Here's me, nice guy (well, except I don't help HER), constantly single (well, i'm kinda socially inept, that's probably why), and all sorts of jerks get the nice girls.

@OP: That isn't a relationship. Get a new place, don't tell him where, and move. Get the dog back. Help yourself. If you wont, nobody else will. The legal system sucks ANYWHERE. They can only help you so much, you have to do the rest. Get friends and family involved. Hell, living under a bridge with your dog would be better than in that house with HIM.

 

[Mushroom Spore]

I've never understood the Bad Boy Appeal. Here's me, nice guy (well, except I don't help HER), constantly single (well, i'm kinda socially inept, that's probably why), and all sorts of jerks get the nice girls.

You may wish to read up on "nice guy syndrome" (this article is a good start: http://www.romancestuck.com/articles/niceguy.htm ). Also yeah, working on the socially inept thing will help you a little bit.

 

[jesters22]

if anyone got rid of MY dog.. id cut their throat and thats not an exageration. seems like u just need to dump this looser. and move on. keep ur Ts. move and get ur dog back. or get ur dog back and keep her at a familys house till the guy moves on completely.

 

[WelshTan]

ok.... am now single. have my house back after a nasty violent incident with the now ex...i had to call police, neighbour did also, the cops had to get an ambulance for me..... unfortunately was too late to save my beloved dog. she was destroyed at the pound as they dont hold dogs indefinitely if they dont either get rehomed or fines paid to get out of the pound... after gettin out of hospital i went straight to the pound but she had already been destroyed ... i now have an injunction and anti molestation order against him n he is waiting trial for gbh ... and my interest in T's and scorps still has NOT returned .. am still lookin after them as in feeding, cage husbandry etc but dont spend time in lookin at them and wen people ask me bout my T's i dont go into details that they ask me..... normally if someone asked me the questions bout T's they wud get a great deal of info from me ... now i just cant be bothered ..... damn that man for ruining my life.....

 

[lilmoonrabbit]

ok.... am now single. have my house back after a nasty violent incident with the now ex...i had to call police, neighbour did also, the cops had to get an ambulance for me..... unfortunately was too late to save my beloved dog. she was destroyed at the pound as they dont hold dogs indefinitely if they dont either get rehomed or fines paid to get out of the pound... after gettin out of hospital i went straight to the pound but she had already been destroyed ... i now have an injunction and anti molestation order against him n he is waiting trial for gbh ... and my interest in T's and scorps still has NOT returned .. am still lookin after them as in feeding, cage husbandry etc but dont spend time in lookin at them and wen people ask me bout my T's i dont go into details that they ask me..... normally if someone asked me the questions bout T's they wud get a great deal of info from me ... now i just cant be bothered ..... damn that man for ruining my life.....

At least you are free now. Good for you for getting out. So sorry about your dog. My mom was in an abusive relationship before she married my dad... that guy made her life a living hell. But, she left him and was on her own for a while, then found my dad who's a nice, easy going guy (wouldn't hurt a fly), had a couple of kids, bought a house... this could be an awesome turning point for you

Good luck with everything. And, if you really don't have an interest in Ts anymore, why not just sell them? Something tells me you'll have a lot of life-related stuff to focus on now anyways. No matter what you decide, good luck with everything!

 

[AudreyElizabeth]

My sympathy, and empathy, goes out to you. It will take a while for you to recover, but you did the right thing.
I've dealt with being in a relationship with a mentally unstable person.
You feel like a failure if you leave without helping this person, so you stay. You stay out of pity, out of fear, and because you don't know what else to do. You wind up sacrificing yourself to save another, and it will not work.
You can't save another person, especially if they don't want to save themselves.
It is sad that we have to learn these things first hand, but a lot of us do. The only thing you can do from here is move forward, and try to avoid this situation again in the future.

And about your tarantulas. Maybe they are a reminder of this rather dark period in your life. Maybe you need a break from them for a while. Just keep your favorites and sell the rest. Or sell them all, there are more out there should your interest in the hobby be sparked again.
That said, I think you deserve this.
:clap: :clap:
Good luck with your life, and try to keep your head up. Things will eventually look up.

 

[MizM]

As I said before, been there, done that. Don't worry, your life isn't ruined. You will get over all of this, but it will take time. You can expect to be depressed for a while, but it will get better. If it doesn't, you should definitely get professional help. You've been through a seriously horrifying experience, and talking to someone who knows about the particular field can be immensely healing. I'm SO sorry about your dog, this guy really was a monster and hopefully will pay for his actions!

 

[Steve Calceatum]

Glad to hear you're alright. As MizM said, get some counseling. You've been through hell, and now you have a chance to start over. Counseling will help you re-establish your self-worth so you don't repeat the last few years again. For both your sake, and the sake of your future relationships.

A very good friend of mine is going through the same cycle of abuse. For a while, I dated this woman. She had been through jerk, after douchebag, after @-hole for over 10 years. After she took a break for a year to get her head together, we hooked up. She was so happy she finally had a guy who would treat her right, ya know? A month in, she starts geting weird, and does everything to sabotage the relationship. Her crap got worse in progressive escalation as the weeks went by. I knew she was tying to get me to respond in a way she was familiar with, but I never did. I loved her alot. She was very special to me, but I wasn't going to live in yet another potentialy abusive relationship. So I ended it, and she went right back to what she knew. With another controlling idiot, playing victim, and wondering why the one guy whom she felt was worth being with didn't want to be with her.

I guess my friend didn't feel as if she was worthy to feel loved without having to be beaten and demeaned in the process. Don't fall into that. You'll make it through this, and everything will turn out for you. Best of luck to you!!

 

[MizM]

Good advice. I didn't let it go that far, I was too freaked out by what had just happened to me. I didn't have money or resources for counsling, so I read everything I could get my hands on about battered women. And learned more about myself than the batterer! I still ended up with a few idiots in my life after (who doesn't?), but recognized them right away and got rid of them!

 

[WelshTan]

thanks for the support guys, am goin thru a pretty dark n rough time but at least he is out of my life... i just wish I could have done more for my poor dog.... I miss her soooo much.. I dont want another dog as another could never replace her

 

[Exo]

I am sorry about your dog but I am glad you are ok. After you stopped posting after this thread, I started to worry. You did the right thing and I'm sure your interest in taranulas will return in time.