Oh dear ... what now ??

[Dangergirl]

OK, so I go on my first date in 3 years ... things go well, we go to the soccer this weekend ... he asks me out to dinner last night ... still going awesome until he says ... "Is it true that you have spiders ?" (in a casual joking manner)
Turns out he is a total ARACHNOPHOBE !! :wall:

What on earth to do now ? I can't just hide 25 t's in a cupboard when he comes round for dinner ...

And I really like this guy :8o

 

[khil]

Either:
A) Show integrity and strength by ditching somebody who will leave you merely for the fact that you are interested in keeping spiders
B) Sell yourself out to somebody who obviously disregards your personal interests out of irrational fear.

Either way, good luck to you.

 

[odiakkoh]

Well if it was me, I'd just have fun with it. It was a date not a marriage proposal. For now cook at his house, work around it and maybe you'll find out you wouldn't like him anyway, phobia or not. If/when it becomes serious, maybe you guys would've worked a way for him to get over the fear by then. Who knows.

Khil I really hope you don't keep that kind of mentality for all aspects of your life.

 

[DawgPoundSound]

Explain to him that 95% of people's so-called fear of spiders is an illusion. There are trillions upon trillions of spiders in the world. Yet he walks around freely oblivious to them, but he knows they are there. If he had such fear he'd stay indoors in rooms with hardly any furniture for fear of spiders underneath them. What people need to do is replace this false fear with the truth. The truth being they don't LIKE spiders. Huge difference.

I've killed many false fears by doing this to people. And wouldn't you know, I get asked all the time now, how are the tarantulas doing? And this mainly by females. So if he really likes you, then you both should easily conquer this false sense of fear.

Now if he's had a traumatic experience, this will be much harder to deal with and definitely on another level. My money says he hasn't.

 

[khil]

Khil I really hope you don't keep that kind of mentality for all aspects of your life.

Actually I don't, I really seek friends who do not tolerate me for who I am and respect my personal interests; rather, I give into society's hip trends and generalizations and gladly trade my tarantulas for superficial and shallow relationships.

 

[Rowdy Hotel]

A lot of people say they're arachnophobes when truly they're not. They may just not like them or be a little scared or simply know nothing about them.

Once I took a juvie rose hair to a party when one of my friends requested I do so to show one of the guys who was supposed to be an arachnophobe. He freaked at first but eventually curiosity got the better of him and he had to come check it out. After watching me handle it for a bit he put his hand on the table and let it run across. I then told him if he wanted it he could have it and that there was no easier or less maintenance pet to own than a tarantula.

He ended up taking it home.

This may or may not happen to you, but unless someone seriously stresses out by hyperventilating or some other irrational response all hope is not lost.

 

[Titandan]

I've got a solution! Why don't you send me all your T's and your cool enclosures! Then you will be free to date this Arachnophobia dude!

You do like him right???

I'm kidding... I say just tell him. If he's willing to pursue this, I think accepting your love for the hobby is not a big deal. At least it wouldn't be for me.

If you guys can compromise, it might be a great chance for you two to learn to communicate better for the future! You will not see eye to eye on a lot of issues in the future... Why not try it out with this one (somewhat) trivial matter?

If he's totally freaked out by spiders, don't invite him over to the spider room. I don't know... I'm kinda seeing this girl who's scared of T's as well! I told her that if it works out, I will build a outhouse for the T's and keep them there. Or maybe in the garage...

 

[Midknight xrs]

Tell him you have spiders and he should hold one after you've held it in front of him for a while. I was a disliker of spiders until i took my last class. Had to hold a spider in order to sign in and was like, that was cool i want one. And here i am breeding roaches, and isopods and going on 8 T's.

Call him a girls if he doesn't want to handle it,LOL. nothing more fun then seeing if he'll take on the challenge of holding a rosie.

 

[Helix]

A lot of people say they're arachnophobes when truly they're not. They may just not like them or be a little scared or simply know nothing about them.

Once I took a juvie rose hair to a party when one of my friends requested I do so to show one of the guys who was supposed to be an arachnophobe. He freaked at first but eventually curiosity got the better of him and he had to come check it out. After watching me handle it for a bit he put his hand on the table and let it run across. I then told him if he wanted it he could have it and that there was no easier or less maintenance pet to own than a tarantula.

He ended up taking it home.

This may or may not happen to you, but unless someone seriously stresses out by hyperventilating or some other irrational response all hope is not lost.

+1

Dont cross him off just cause of that.
Also people like to egzagerate when they say they have some kind of phobia. If he can function normally and rationally around Ts he should be fine. He may not like spiders and he doesnt adore them, but it doesnt mean he is arachnophobic.
I also had fear of spiders. But tarantulas were always a different category of spiders to me. And today I have over 20 of them.

Just work with him, inform him about Ts here and there(in moderation, dont let it be the only topic you want to talk about), and dont pressure him.

 

[razor244]

i wouldnt say you stop talking to him or sell your t's like the other post. just educate him. im pretty sure the more he learns the less he's going to dislike them and the more he will want to know. i just wouldnt walk him into the T room first date and say hey check all these guys out. i convinced my GF to let me get my first T by educating her on the different T's/ temperaments and showing her youtube vids of all different species .

 

[NikiP]

As someone else pointed out, ya'll are dating, not in a serious committed relationship.

Are your tarantulas where he has to see them if he comes to dinner? If they are, you could always just toss a sheet over your display. Otherwise, cook dinner at his house. Do you have any books on tarantulas that he could read? A lot of times fear stems from ignoreance.

My biggest suggestion from personally dating an arachnophobic is to not push him or make fun of his fear. Then he will assume you aren't taking his fears seriously, and that's just kind of mean.

One time mine about crawled out of his skin in a pet store because he saw one cleaning itself. When I sold most my collection he watched me pack several, including a P. murinus, and help pack a few slings. Big improvement over time and now I don't feel they are much of an issue.

 

[AprilH]

I think there's hope for him at least tolerating their presence. I work with a girl who would say she would VOMIT if she even saw a picture of one (she's very over-dramatic). I get all my Ts shipped there, and she wouldn't be in the same room. A few years ago though, pest control came into my old apt to spray, so I moved all the Ts to work and they lived in the break room. She actually ended up being fine with them there. She doesn't like them, but she's much less over the top about it and can be close to them now. She doesn't freak out quite so bad when my shipments come.

 

[AprilH]

Actually I don't, I really seek friends who do not tolerate me for who I am and respect my personal interests; rather, I give into society's hip trends and generalizations and gladly trade my tarantulas for superficial and shallow relationships.

Some people have that fear, as irrational as it may be to us. Phobias can be strange things and even the people with them often wish they could get over them and don't understand where they came from. It's not like they fear tarantulas to be 'cool.' You need to relax a bit and realize that if someone doesn't share all the exact same interests as you, it doesn't mean that they're not worth talking to. Some differences can be looked at as a chance to learn and to educate.

 

[Dangergirl]

Explain to him that 95% of people's so-called fear of spiders is an illusion. There are trillions upon trillions of spiders in the world. Yet he walks around freely oblivious to them, but he knows they are there. If he had such fear he'd stay indoors in rooms with hardly any furniture for fear of spiders underneath them. What people need to do is replace this false fear with the truth. The truth being they don't LIKE spiders. Huge difference.

I've killed many false fears by doing this to people. And wouldn't you know, I get asked all the time now, how are the tarantulas doing? And this mainly by females. So if he really likes you, then you both should easily conquer this false sense of fear.

Now if he's had a traumatic experience, this will be much harder to deal with and definitely on another level. My money says he hasn't.

Actually he had a traumatic experience as a child (aged 5), and last week when he got home there was a large rain spider on the wall so he re-locked the front door and slept in the car ...
He absolutely freezes up when he sees them, in real life or even on Discovery or whatever - has to change the channel immediately.

But as some of you said ... I'm not dating him quite yet, so I'll see where this goes. I have them all in my home office and I'm having a door put up tomorrow so I can lock it and then they're out of sight. And there I was, worried he'd freak out at my tattoo's !! Lol.

 

[Fran]

Either:
A) Show integrity and strength by ditching somebody who will leave you merely for the fact that you are interested in keeping spiders
B) Sell yourself out to somebody who obviously disregards your personal interests out of irrational fear.

Either way, good luck to you.

Khil.

My wife has a PHOBIA towards birds. Do you know what a phobia is?
Is not an "ew" towards the spiders, is a non controled phobia, extreme fear.

You just cant leave someone because it has a phobia. Lest be rational, geez.

 

[Fran]

Explain to him that 95% of people's so-called fear of spiders is an illusion. There are trillions upon trillions of spiders in the world. Yet he walks around freely oblivious to them, but he knows they are there. If he had such fear he'd stay indoors in rooms with hardly any furniture for fear of spiders underneath them. What people need to do is replace this false fear with the truth. The truth being they don't LIKE spiders. Huge difference.

It depends. My wife knows the existence of birds, and we have a regular life. Now put a bird within 15 feet and she will get into a panic attack.


so again, one thing is to say "ew" to spiders, another is phobia,. If the guy has a phobia he cant controle it. So its a matter of whats more important to you. In my case, my wife, so i wont keep birds. simple

 

[Titandan]

Hey Dangergirl,

If he's worth it, then ditch the spiders. You can always get more T's later on if it doesn't work out. If you aren't sure about the dude, keep the spiders until you're sure!

It seems he has a phobia of spiders so just don't allow for him to be in close proximity to your spiders. Or else, I think that's reasonable.

I think first, you need to find out how much you like this guy. If he's the one and he's worth it, make some sacrifices. If not, then keep the T's!

 

[Vespula]

I've never really been on the dating scene. But when I find Mr. right, I'm sure it'll be someone who accepts my interests. If he cares, he'll try to overcome it. That's just my opinion, though. It may just be better to have a room in the house that he can't go into. Regardless, I'd keep the T's.

 

[Fran]

I've never really been on the dating scene. But when I find Mr. right, I'm sure it'll be someone who accepts my interests. If he cares, he'll try to overcome it. That's just my opinion, though. It may just be better to have a room in the house that he can't go into. Regardless, I'd keep the T's.

Thats careless from your side. Someone with a phobia cant overcome the extreme fear overnight, and maybe never.
So if you want to have a relationship with someone that has arachnophobia, either you get ridd of the spidrs or you wont have the relationship....And it will not be his fault.

 

[Vespula]

How is that being careless? The spiders are a part of who I am. If he can't accept them, then it wasn't meant to be.