Oh dear ... what now ??

[Fran]

How is that being careless? The spiders are a part of who I am. If he can't accept them, then it wasn't meant to be.

You are not getting it. One thing is that someone just doesnt like them and for that he wants them out of the house, another is PHOBIA.

I love keeping ts since mid 90's but if my wife had phobia to Tarantulas, either I have a diff place to keep them or they are out.

 

[xhexdx]

Fran...

What if your hobby was keeping birds, not spiders? What if you had this hobby before you met your wife? Would you (not knowing her yet) just ditch the birds for something that may or may not last forever?

On the other side, if this guy has a true phobia as has been described, then it may be pretty difficult to find a way to keep the spiders and the guy in the same house at the same time.

That being said, there's still time to figure out what to do...you've already established that it was just a date, and that it's nothing incredibly serious just yet. Take it one step at a time, and see how things go. You may be able to help him overcome his fear, you might not. Either way, good luck.

 

[Fran]

Fran...

What if your hobby was keeping birds, not spiders? What if you had this hobby before you met your wife? Would you (not knowing her yet) just ditch the birds for something that may or may not last forever?

On the other side, if this guy has a true phobia as has been described, then it may be pretty difficult to find a way to keep the spiders and the guy in the same house at the same time.

That being said, there's still time to figure out what to do...you've already established that it was just a date, and that it's nothing incredibly serious just yet. Take it one step at a time, and see how things go. You may be able to help him overcome his fear, you might not. Either way, good luck.

I answered the person who said that if someone doesnt accept your hobby then is not worth it. Well, thats not that simple. Is not not acepting the hobby, is having a darn phobia.

Then I said, it depends as of how much you care for the person.
If after a couple of months being with my wife she told me she had arachnophobia, she will still be first.
Priorities.

 

[xhexdx]

I answered the person who said that if someone doesnt accept your hobby then is not worth it. Well, thats not that simple. Is not not acepting the hobby, is having a darn phobia.

Then I said, it depends as of how much you care for the person.
If after a couple of months being with my wife she told me she had arachnophobia, she will still be first.
Priorities.

I'm not sure you're getting my point, but we can leave it at that and not derail the thread any further.

 

[Speedy]

I have a PHOBIA of Camel Crickets. It's irrational. It is. But it is a phobia, not a "eww, GROSS, get it away!" kind of thing. I experience true panic when people who know about it bring them near me to scare me, my heart races, I feel an adrenaline rush, I get choked up. It is IRRATIONAL, they cannot hurt me, but I can't help it.

If I were dating someone and found out they had a collection of them I would not be inclined to visit their home...

If this guy proves to be a real winner with that one flaw, a big one it is for a T hobbyist.. Then I suggest working something out. Finding somewhere to keep them - or rehoming them if it comes to it. You can get spiders any time, the same can't be said for a person to share your life with.

 

[Terry D]

Khil.

My wife has a PHOBIA towards birds. Do you know what a phobia is?
Is not an "ew" towards the spiders, is a non controled phobia, extreme fear.

You just cant leave someone because it has a phobia. Lest be rational, geez.

Fran, Dang! I guess that nixes the live hoatzin chick I was gonna send y'all to hang on your shower rod for your anniversary.

Terry

 

[Fran]

i have a phobia of camel crickets. It's irrational. It is. But it is a phobia, not a "eww, gross, get it away!" kind of thing. I experience true panic when people who know about it bring them near me to scare me, my heart races, i feel an adrenaline rush, i get choked up. It is irrational, they cannot hurt me, but i can't help it.

If i were dating someone and found out they had a collection of them i would not be inclined to visit their home...

If this guy proves to be a real winner with that one flaw, a big one it is for a t hobbyist.. Then i suggest working something out. Finding somewhere to keep them - or rehoming them if it comes to it. You can get spiders any time, the same can't be said for a person to share your life with.

exactly.

 

[odiakkoh]

I think there's hope for him at least tolerating their presence. I work with a girl who would say she would VOMIT if she even saw a picture of one (she's very over-dramatic). I get all my Ts shipped there, and she wouldn't be in the same room. A few years ago though, pest control came into my old apt to spray, so I moved all the Ts to work and they lived in the break room. She actually ended up being fine with them there. She doesn't like them, but she's much less over the top about it and can be close to them now. She doesn't freak out quite so bad when my shipments come.

Lol if you met me 2-3 months ago, I was doing exactly that. I was forcing myself to read about spiders and other arachnids with images turned off and vomiting because I was having such bad panic attacks.

I'm still not cured and I can't handle a ton of T pictures at once (I stay away from picture threads) but hey, I'm getting there and I don't throw up anymore

 

[sja69]

This is unusual because normally it would be the other way round i.e. a chick would be put off a bloke for having a pet spider.
I have actually been told by someone, ditch the spider and you'll be able to invite her around your house!
There's not one single (as in solitary) female I know that is remotely tolerant of our 8-legged friends.

 

[LisaD]

My family is not crazy about or even a little bit interested in my Ts. They aren't phobic, but they are pretty close. They tolerate them because they love me and they know I am devoted to this hobby.

All you can ask of your new friend is tolerance. Put the Ts out of sight, don't expect him to hold them or watch you hold them. Or do things away from your house, if necessary.

If he cares for you, he will find a way to deal. You aren't moving in together, so the issue of sharing HIS own personal space with your spiders is not even on the table.

If you are sympahetic to his fear, and accommodate his phobia with sensitivity, there is no reason your budding relationship shouldn't have a chance. He should NOT expect you to get rid of your spiders. If it is a true deal breaker for the relationship, then he isn't willing to put in the effort to work around it.

Good luck!

 

[Suzjohnson]

If you are sympahetic to his fear, and accommodate his phobia with sensitivity, there is no reason your budding relationship shouldn't have a chance. He should NOT expect you to get rid of your spiders. If it is a true deal breaker for the relationship, then he isn't willing to put in the effort to work around it.

Well said, LisaD! Tolerance and accommodation are a form of respect that no relationship can live (for long) without.