Mother in law refuses to come over because of Ts and other herps/inverts

aprilmayjunebugs

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Nov 7, 2019
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Do you make her rearrange her house and hide her prized possessions whenever you visit her? That she would even put her daughter in the middle and discuss it behind your back no less, is a bigger problem in my book than worrying about how to cater to her (or anybody else's) phobias. I'd get more, lots more, and put them in every room, every nook, every cranny. That's probably not helpful, I'm not suggesting you do that. Just how I feel about it. My MIL is in an urn on the shelf, I wouldn't dare dream of putting any spiders next to her, lol. But if she was still alive and had a problem with anything in our house, well that'd be her problem not mine.
My wife has a hobby that I find irritating
Please do tell :)
 

scooter1685

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May 28, 2006
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Lol, she knits. The reason that's a problem is that she never stops, and she's not a very tidy person. There are usually 4 or 5 items in various stages of completion littered around the house, and if I try to put them away she always seems to think I've put them in the wrong place. At any point in time she has about 120-150 skeins of yarn she's not using, and some of them are expensive fiber. She continuously buys more than she actually needs, and currently her yarn occupies about 28 cubic feet of my house. I'm a very HOT person and I sweat even when I'm sedentary at 70 degrees (family curse). Anything she knits is 100% guaranteed to be too hot for me to wear, so I get no benefit from any of it at all. I can't ask her to do anything without having to wait 10 minutes or so for her to finish the row she's knitting.

I could keep griping about it, but I'm sure you get the picture :troll:
 

Colorado Ts

Arachnobaron
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Lol, she knits. The reason that's a problem is that she never stops, and she's not a very tidy person. There are usually 4 or 5 items in various stages of completion littered around the house, and if I try to put them away she always seems to think I've put them in the wrong place. At any point in time she has about 120-150 skeins of yarn she's not using, and some of them are expensive fiber. She continuously buys more than she actually needs, and currently her yarn occupies about 28 cubic feet of my house. I'm a very HOT person and I sweat even when I'm sedentary at 70 degrees (family curse). Anything she knits is 100% guaranteed to be too hot for me to wear, so I get no benefit from any of it at all. I can't ask her to do anything without having to wait 10 minutes or so for her to finish the row she's knitting.

I could keep griping about it, but I'm sure you get the picture :troll:
This is pleasant. I was thinking something much darker and more sinister.

Very refreshing...thank you.
 

aprilmayjunebugs

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I can relate. My man is very creative and artistic, unfinished projects and messes made, collecting materials for future works. I'm not complaining, he makes some nice things.
 

nicodimus22

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I married an artsy lady who does all kinds of art. Everyone loves the finished product, but the process is messy. There's no getting around it.
 

scooter1685

Arachnopeon
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May 28, 2006
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I married an artsy lady who does all kinds of art. Everyone loves the finished product, but the process is messy. There's no getting around it.
Exactly this.

Emily always gets compliments on the things she knits. They're beautiful. To me, however, they're utterly useless. I'm already hot, why would I want a sweater she knitted, or warm socks? Can't stand hats or gloves; I'd rather just leave those parts of me uncovered, and heaven save me from doilies. Thankfully she stopped knitting those when I started donating the older ones to a local thrift shop to make room for the new ones.

She's just a messy person in general though. I'm always picking up her discarded clothes and dirty dishes. I stopped complaining about it long ago, mostly. It's just part of having her in my life. She honestly doesn't notice the messes she makes. Takes me far less time to pick it up than to argue with her about it, and causes less stress and fewer arguments. There's no shortage of things she has put up with over the years for my sake, it's only fair that I offer the same courtesy. Just took a little while for me to see it that way. I can be dense sometimes :smirk:

In any case, I hope the issue raised by the OP can be resolved in a way that everyone can be satisfied with. Few things can disturb the peace in my home as thoroughly as a disagreement with my wife.
 

nicodimus22

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Exactly this.

Emily always gets compliments on the things she knits. They're beautiful. To me, however, they're utterly useless. I'm already hot, why would I want a sweater she knitted, or warm socks? Can't stand hats or gloves; I'd rather just leave those parts of me uncovered, and heaven save me from doilies. Thankfully she stopped knitting those when I started donating the older ones to a local thrift shop to make room for the new ones.

She's just a messy person in general though. I'm always picking up her discarded clothes and dirty dishes. I stopped complaining about it long ago, mostly. It's just part of having her in my life.
We have our own sheep, llama, and alpaca flocks that we manually shear every year. My basement is full of garbage bags of fleece because she doesn't use it up as fast as it grows on our flocks. My solution was to buy her many, many industrial size shelves to put them on, and it has worked so far.

My wife is also messy in general...I wonder if there's something to that whole 'creative people are more messy' thing. I'm not creative at all, but I can organize like nobody's business. I just look at it like this: we compliment each other's skill sets.
 

Moebius

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Jul 5, 2017
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49
Don't know if this is the right place to post something like this.
Normally I wouldn't even ask this kind of question but since they have been pressuring me to get rid of them, I wanted to ask your advice/opinions on this matter.
Heres the deal, most of my Ts are in the living room and my Pogona vitticeps and Agama agama also in the living room.
Other inverts are placed in my "hobby room".
Now it has been going on a while know that she refuses to come visit my wife and me.
She's has quite some Arachnophobia but then again she probably has a phobia for everything that's good under the sun.
The past couple of weeks she's been talking with my wife about me getting rid of them, even my lizards.
And of course my wife started argueing with me about this.
Again normally I wouldn't ask this but I don't really know what to do anymore about her attitude towards my animals.
Any suggestions?
In short; sucks to be her and your wife should know better.

With a bit more length; sucks to be her, it's your home and she has neither the right, business or privilege of dictating what you keep, where and when. Obviously she needs reminded of that fact, politely, or not so politely. I'd consider the argument null and void and settled, and wouldn't make any concessions; in-laws that try to bully/strong arm you and leverage you via your SO aren't folks that really deserve much additional consideration. They're guests in the end. Guests who feel they can manipulate your home-life and create strife... well, they should feel thankful they get any invitations at all. Her attitude is not your problem. Her phobias are not your problem. They're a grown adult. Going behind your back regarding your possessions to your wife... uh-uh.

Put your foot down and move on.
 

Vanessa

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Sorry, but when it involves this dynamic - a MIL trying to make demands of her child's marriage - it is about control 100%. Otherwise, she would just suggest that you visit at her house, or an option that includes neither, and be done with it. The fact that she is trying to get her way by pressuring her child and causing a disruption in a marriage that she has no business sticking her nose in is all about control.
Your wife needs to stand up to her mother, or this type of scenario is going to play out continuously throughout your marriage.

Lol, she knits. The reason that's a problem is that she never stops, and she's not a very tidy person. There are usually 4 or 5 items in various stages of completion littered around the house, and if I try to put them away she always seems to think I've put them in the wrong place. At any point in time she has about 120-150 skeins of yarn she's not using, and some of them are expensive fiber. She continuously buys more than she actually needs, and currently her yarn occupies about 28 cubic feet of my house. I'm a very HOT person and I sweat even when I'm sedentary at 70 degrees (family curse). Anything she knits is 100% guaranteed to be too hot for me to wear, so I get no benefit from any of it at all. I can't ask her to do anything without having to wait 10 minutes or so for her to finish the row she's knitting.
You might have already researched this option, but there are countless knitting groups for charities - animals, babies, homeless people, and many more. Would she maybe be interested in joining something like that, or are those projects too simple and boring for her at this point?
I was surrounded by knitters growing up and the deja-vu I was getting from your description was spooky.
 
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SonsofArachne

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Dec 10, 2017
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932
Well I think I'm gonna try moving them to the other room but that is indeed as far as I would go, if I can fit everything in there.
Any recommendations as to heating?
A space heater should do it, assuming the lizards have their own heat mats.

As for the MIL I'd get together with her and the wife, let her know about moving them, but make it clear that this as far as it goes. If that's not enough, well sucks to be her.
And not trying to make you paranoid, but do you think your MIL has enough influence over your wife to make her do something with your animals while you're out? I've heard some bad stories along these lines. If you do, I'd let them that this would be a deal breaker (even if it wouldn't).
 

Kitara

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OK I haven't read the thread, but to be honest... my first response to the title was... "LUCKY!" :rofl::D
 

spideyspinneret78

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I think that your MIL is really far out of line for wanting you to get rid of your pets that live in your home simply because she has anxiety issues about them. Personally, if someone asked me to get rid of my pets, I'd be incredibly insulted. Ultimately it's her issue to address, and not your responsibility to accommodate her by rearranging everything in your home or feeling pressured about your animals. However, maybe you could compromise. Possibly spend time at her house instead or do activities together at a neutral location. If her phobias are that intense, then maybe she could benefit from individual therapy.
 

Colorado Ts

Arachnobaron
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You guys are all missing the point...the MIL has removed herself from the direct situation. The MIL is using her daughter to get her way, in this situation. The MIL is not asking directly for the spiders to be removed, she's using her daughter, the wife, to do it for her.

It’s the wife that is saying get rid of the beasties...

True the MIL is behind it, she's the puppet master in this...but it is the wife that is the one that is confronting the husband.

If the wife will not put MIL in her place, the day is coming when she will say, “If you love me, you will do this.”

So he needs to ask himself, “What is more important?”
 

The Grym Reaper

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If the wife will not put MIL in her place, the day is coming when she will say, “If you love me, you will do this.”

So he needs to ask himself, “What is more important?”
The second a partner starts trying to dictate what hobbies I'm allowed to pursue/where I'm allowed to go/who I'm allowed to spend time with I'm out, that's abusive behaviour and it will only go downhill from there if it is indulged.
 

Arachnomaniac1990

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Wow, I didn't expect so many people to comment here so I'm just gonna answer this with an individual post.
I agree with all the statements made.
Its her "phobia" and I need to accommodate her wishes but if push comes to shove I will probably try to move them to the other room.
But thats as far as I'll go.
My wife does have my back on this she just would want her mother to come over a couple of times in a year.
Sure we visit her and all the other stuff but she misses that.
While I don't mind her mother not coming over, kind of a blessing in disguise.
Guess I'll just compromise and put them in the other room.
A question about the space heater if I may, are there any brands you guys would recommend?
I mean, I know you have te cheaper ones who heat like crap and most of the time they don't really have an adjustable thermostat and on the other side of the spectrum the expensive ones, which I'm not planning on buying.
Thanks for all the comments and advice.
I hope you guys don't mind me responding with a single post instead of quoteing and replying to all of you.
Oh and btw its her mother that asked her directly to ask me to get rid of everything.
My wife just relayed the question to me.
Her mother can be bat shit crazy, probably an insult to all the bats but okay, she knows this.
Then again, most of my animals will outlive her.
Maybe I should ask her to get rid of her cat for me, that thing hates me and I'm "afraid" of cats.
 
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vancwa

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I hear the oil filled heaters are good. The cat doesn't hate you. Just smells your 'fear'. which makes you quite a tasty morsel.
 
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