Mother in law refuses to come over because of Ts and other herps/inverts

Arachnomaniac1990

Arachnopeon
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Jan 19, 2020
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Don't know if this is the right place to post something like this.
Normally I wouldn't even ask this kind of question but since they have been pressuring me to get rid of them, I wanted to ask your advice/opinions on this matter.
Heres the deal, most of my Ts are in the living room and my Pogona vitticeps and Agama agama also in the living room.
Other inverts are placed in my "hobby room".
Now it has been going on a while know that she refuses to come visit my wife and me.
She's has quite some Arachnophobia but then again she probably has a phobia for everything that's good under the sun.
The past couple of weeks she's been talking with my wife about me getting rid of them, even my lizards.
And of course my wife started argueing with me about this.
Again normally I wouldn't ask this but I don't really know what to do anymore about her attitude towards my animals.
Any suggestions?
 

Hoxter

Arachnoknight
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Dec 29, 2018
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203
The problem is only in head of your mother in law so I don't see any need of changing lifestyle based on someone's phobias.
I'd recommend making sure your wife is on your side at least. If she sees them as completely harmless then she should have your back against mother in law.
 

Smotzer

Arachnobaron
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That is really unfortunate! I personally wouldn’t get rid of my insects or entomology collection for anyone. I’d say it’s your house you should be able to do what you want inside of your own home. But I’m getting a degree in entomology so anyone that knows me knows my house is full of pinned and live insects and they just have to deal with it.
 

Thekla

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Would it be possible to remove all animals from the living room, place them in your 'hobby room' and/or bedroom and make it an animal-free zone? That way your mother-in-law didn't have to see your herps/inverts. I guess that would be the only compromise I'd make to hold up peace. But I'd never get rid of them because of her. As mentioned before, it's your house, and if your wife is on your side (and it sounds as if she was before) that's it.
 

Arachnomaniac1990

Arachnopeon
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28
The problem is only in head of your mother in law so I don't see any need of changing lifestyle based on someone's phobias.
I'd recommend making sure your wife is on your side at least. If she sees them as completely harmless then she should have your back against mother in law.
Yeah I agree with you, I would never get rid of them, especially in my own home.
My wife did have my back on this issue but she neither hates Ts or loves them.
Its more my hobby so she begins to sway a bit to her mothers side.
And not to be rude or anything but her mother is old, my Ts and lizards are probably gonna outlive her.
That is really unfortunate! I personally wouldn’t get rid of my insects or entomology collection for anyone. I’d say it’s your house you should be able to do what you want inside of your own home. But I’m getting a degree in entomology so anyone that knows me knows my house is full of pinned and live insects and they just have to deal with it.
Great that you're getting your degree in entomology.
How long did you have to study for that?
Never was my thing studying, the things I'm interested in sure but all that math and economics put me of of any real degree like yours.
No just a poor old truck driver here, has its advantages though.
But I agree with you on the fact that I would never get rid of them for anyone.
Would it be possible to remove all animals from the living room, place them in your 'hobby room' and/or bedroom and make it an animal-free zone? That way your mother-in-law didn't have to see your herps/inverts. I guess that would be the only compromise I'd make to hold up peace. But I'd never get rid of them because of her. As mentioned before, it's your house, and if your wife is on your side (and it sounds as if she was before) that's it.
Well I think I'm gonna try moving them to the other room but that is indeed as far as I would go, if I can fit everything in there.
Any recommendations as to heating?
Its not a big room but it gets quite cold in the winter, since the radiator there is busted.
I've been meaning to fix that, maybe I'll do that.
 

Smotzer

Arachnobaron
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523
Great that you're getting your degree in entomology.
How long did you have to study for that?
Never was my thing studying, the things I'm interested in sure but all that math and economics put me of of any real degree like yours.
No just a poor old truck driver here, has its advantages though.
But I agree with you on the fact that I would never get rid of them for anyone.
Well I still have a few years left to finish it, trying to get a masters and I go at my own pace with trying to work. But with insects it’s one of the few things that having to study doesn’t feel as much like “studying”. It’s just really interesting.

and with your situation it’s not like they can harm her from inside an enclosure. It’s not like you have tarantulas free roaming in your house lol.
 

Hoxter

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203
Any recommendations as to heating?
Its not a big room but it gets quite cold in the winter, since the radiator there is busted.
You might want to get another heater for that room or try to set up some heating cables with those shelves. I know many people from the US hate these cables and heating mats, however they can do no harm to animals as long as they are set up properly.
 

Smotzer

Arachnobaron
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I mean like you should see my apartment lol one whole wall in my living room is just all pinned entomology collection, keep most of my Lepidoptera (butterflies and moths) and Odonata ( dragonflies) all on display there. Then Coleoptera (beetles) and of my less collected orders in my room. Then live mantids in the living room too. Tarantulas on my desk and a few on a shelf in the living room too. There’s no avoided insects in my house. And I’m moving in a month and plan to step it up with even more insects. I say be who you are and put what you love out on display!!
 

Vanisher

Arachnoking
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Oct 2, 2004
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2,543
Don't know if this is the right place to post something like this.
Normally I wouldn't even ask this kind of question but since they have been pressuring me to get rid of them, I wanted to ask your advice/opinions on this matter.
Heres the deal, most of my Ts are in the living room and my Pogona vitticeps and Agama agama also in the living room.
Other inverts are placed in my "hobby room".
Now it has been going on a while know that she refuses to come visit my wife and me.
She's has quite some Arachnophobia but then again she probably has a phobia for everything that's good under the sun.
The past couple of weeks she's been talking with my wife about me getting rid of them, even my lizards.
And of course my wife started argueing with me about this.
Again normally I wouldn't ask this but I don't really know what to do anymore about her attitude towards my animals.
Any suggestions?
Do you have many tarantulas? Is it possible to keep them in another room or even in a closed cabinet when your mother in law is visiting?
 

scooter1685

Arachnopeon
Joined
May 28, 2006
Messages
32
My mother is the same. She won't come to our home because she's afraid of spiders. In my case, the compromise is just that we go to her house to visit instead. If that's not sufficient for a compromise, putting all the Ts in your hobby room might be the next step to suggest. Aside from that, I don't know what to suggest.

My wife has a hobby that I find irritating, and sometimes she finds my hobbies inconvenient or irritating. We each just try to be considerate of the other and find a compromise when necessary. There would never be a question of me getting rid of all my pets. I've had exotics for pets for well over 25 years now, I think my life would feel wrong and somewhat emptier without them. They're a part of who I am.
 

Vanisher

Arachnoking
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2,543
My spouse is pretty understanding too. She never asked me to sell any spiders. But my collection is pretty slim. Mother in law never says anything eigher
 

CommanderBacon

Arachnoknight
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May 21, 2018
Messages
258
Wow that sucks! I'm glad I don't have to deal with that.

I feel like demanding that someone get rid of their own pets that they keep in their own home is wayyyy overstepping. I do have an arachnophobic friend who refuses to go any further than my foyer when she comes over, but I'm not going to make any special accommodations for her. She can choose not to come over if she wants. My feelings aren't going to be hurt, because she also likes to make a point of telling me when she kills house spiders.

In retaliation, I named my OBT after her.

In any case, I think your MIL is way out of line and your partner is really pushing it by arguing with you about it *now* when it wasn't a problem before, but like some above commenters mentioned, maybe you can compromise by keeping them in your hobby room. If that's not an option, the outlook for your relationship doesn't seem good, imo.
 

Smotzer

Arachnobaron
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Yeah my girlfriend has been amazing she really embraced the whole insect thing. And has actually encouraged me to get more because I make the enclosures look so nice that she wants to put up another shelf of display tarantula or beetles in our new apartment
 

Colorado Ts

Arachnobaron
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Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
576
Don't know if this is the right place to post something like this.
Normally I wouldn't even ask this kind of question but since they have been pressuring me to get rid of them, I wanted to ask your advice/opinions on this matter.
Heres the deal, most of my Ts are in the living room and my Pogona vitticeps and Agama agama also in the living room.
Other inverts are placed in my "hobby room".
Now it has been going on a while know that she refuses to come visit my wife and me.
She's has quite some Arachnophobia but then again she probably has a phobia for everything that's good under the sun.
The past couple of weeks she's been talking with my wife about me getting rid of them, even my lizards.
And of course my wife started argueing with me about this.
Again normally I wouldn't ask this but I don't really know what to do anymore about her attitude towards my animals.
Any suggestions?
This is a hard situation to be in. Marriage is a two way street, its a synergistic relationship.

Finding that special someone and sharing your life with another person; is a gift. Keeping spiders is a choice.

What is more important?
 

Smotzer

Arachnobaron
Active Member
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
523
This is a hard situation to be in. Marriage is a two way street, its a synergistic relationship.

Finding that special someone and sharing your life with another person; is a gift. Keeping spiders is a choice.

What is more important?
It sounds like his special someone is okay with it!! That’s not the issue it’s his MIL.
 

CommanderBacon

Arachnoknight
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Joined
May 21, 2018
Messages
258
This is a hard situation to be in. Marriage is a two way street, its a synergistic relationship.

Finding that special person and sharing your life with another person; is a gift. Keeping spiders is a choice.

What is more important?
There is sense in this, however:

OP's hobby was a non-issue until MIL started bullying her daughter about it. In return, instead of defending her partner and ignoring her mother's ridiculous demands, she's now pushing her mother's agenda-? That doesn't seem fair. Her MIL doesn't even live with them.

I personally don't believe in the concept of "that special person" because I think there are thousands of compatible people if you communicate honestly, respect each other, and are willing to compromise, but it sounds like OP's wife just caved in to mom's unreasonable demands instead of standing up for him. That sounds like a bad situation for OP that will cause long-term resentment.

They really need to find a compromise :/
 

Colorado Ts

Arachnobaron
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Messages
576
There is sense in this, however:

OP's hobby was a non-issue until MIL started bullying her daughter about it. In return, instead of defending her partner and ignoring her mother's ridiculous demands, she's now pushing her mother's agenda-? That doesn't seem fair. Her MIL doesn't even live with them.

I personally don't believe in the concept of "that special person" because I think there are thousands of compatible people if you communicate honestly, respect each other, and are willing to compromise, but it sounds like OP's wife just caved in to mom's unreasonable demands instead of standing up for him. That sounds like a bad situation for OP that will cause long-term resentment.

They really need to find a compromise :/
I grew up and was taught that for very person, there is that one perfect match in the world, and if you find that one person you've found your soul-mate and life will be bliss....blah, blah, blah. Speaking statistically...there's about 9...but with population growth it could be higher now.

I found my soul-mate. I fell in her window well one night, while in college

MIL's....OMG!

I love my MIL (my Wife's Mom), she is a wonderful; beautiful person; both inside and out.

My wife's MIL (my Mom)...Sucks. Hate filled, rage filled evil person.

So I asked myself...What's more important?

Haven't seen my mom in 20 years. Best 20 years of my life. Should've done it sooner.

10/10 would do again.
 
Last edited:

mjzheng

Arachnosquire
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Aug 30, 2019
Messages
72
My MIL doesn't care for my dogs and is probably afraid of my spiders as well, but our compromise is we do most if not all together activities at her place or restaurants . Why dont you suggest maybe taking your MIL out for a meal somewhere every now and then instead of having her come over ? I know it's not ideal but maybe you can still fill the spending time together need , just not at your home. I understand that's significantly harder if she doesn't live near you though .
 

nicodimus22

Arachnomancer
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Messages
704
Go to visit at her house or somewhere else if she's that close-minded. Problem solved.
 
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