How could you be so cruel to your pet?! You horrendous person!!

schmiggle

Arachnoprince
Active Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2013
Messages
1,923
Recently, this subforum in particular has had the above kind of personal attack against people relatively frequently. They have also gone the reverse direction. I don't think I'm entirely innocent from this sort of thing, either.

In the past, this was what I thought differentiated arachnobaords from other forums: everyone was nice to everyone else. And I think it has been in my experience, and it can continue to be. But these sorts of things have to stop. It makes the whole forum less positive for everyone, and more importantly, telling a person that they're horrendous and an idiot is not a good way to change minds.

Very few people come to arachnoboards because they don't care; if they didn't care, they wouldn't bother spending the extra time to ask about how to take care of their pets, or to show pictures of pets they love. Everyone here cares a huge amount. So it's natural to feel offended when somebody says you don't, and everyone would be happier if no one said that. From the other side, if someone disagrees with someone's correction (I say one needs 20 gallons, you say one needs at least 30, I think you're wrong), don't go insulting the person who corrected you, whether they're right or not. Be nice there as well.

Don't be mean. Be nice. It's that simple.
 

G. pulchra

ArachnoGod
Old Timer
Joined
Jun 7, 2005
Messages
595
Totally agree, there are far too many people here who push their own agenda's. If you have advice go ahead and give it, but the people that ride the moralistic horse are way too prevalent.
 

The wolf

Arachnobaron
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
592
So true.I think a lot of people are far to one sided on Arachnoboards they never think of the person behind the screen.
 

The Snark

Dumpster Fire of the Gods
Old Timer
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Aug 8, 2005
Messages
8,312
The OP appears so simple and straight forwards, yet is in fact extremely complex. Why do people extend ridicule? What motivates them to do that? What knowledge do they possess where they feel they have a right to pass judgement?
I offer you a truism from my academic days. "Being critical of others must be met in equal measure in being critical of yourself." That is, self assessment must go hand in hand with judging others. If you teach, you must be willing to learn. If you judge others you must be willing to accept judgment. Without the balance the person who criticizes is fraudulent, a pretender, seeking to extend authority over others, or playing psychological games. Either way, the criticism they extend has little or no value.

The people here at AB demonstrate a deep concern for animals, each in their own way. AB is all about sharing and disseminating knowledge. But, the last I checked, nobody here is renowned for walking on water or feeding the crowds with a can of sardines. Recognize we all are learning and have gaps in our knowledge. From this comes tolerance. In turn, tolerance begats understanding which leads to greater learning.

Just take the critics with the knowledge they aren't up to speed on some things, and are often handicapping themselves in their ability to learn.
 

Belegnole

Tarantula Guy
Old Timer
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
171
@schmiggle
Unfortunately I believe that you were mistaken from the get go. This forum has been known for its toxic nature for quite some time. Many, including long standing members have left due to the fact that they tired of how people treated each other around here.

Personally I've been a member of much more toxic communities and survived. That's not saying that this place couldn't improve as it can. But, in my mind it would take some real effort to get there. Any community comprised of animal owners is going to have a much higher emotional level. Add to that the lack of personal filtering the Internet causes and you get..........

Anywho, the change starts with you. Treat people as you expect to be treated. Ignore those who act improperly and enjoy those who have a love for the same animals that you do.
 

Andrea82

Arachnoemperor
Joined
Jan 12, 2016
Messages
3,610
Not sure if this can be so general as depicted.
If I give wrong information, or keep my animal wrong, I expect people to call me out on that. I can't be right all the time, and it is nice to know there are people here who don't hesitate to correct me. And I don't expect something like ' dear Andrea, I think you are a tiny, tiny bit off in your otherwise eloquent and heartwarming formulated post.'
No. What I expect is this:
'nope. You're wrong, because of ...'.
And this is how I approach people as well. I think that is a reasonable expectation.
 

Belegnole

Tarantula Guy
Old Timer
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
171
Not sure if this can be so general as depicted.
If I give wrong information, or keep my animal wrong, I expect people to call me out on that. I can't be right all the time, and it is nice to know there are people here who don't hesitate to correct me. And I don't expect something like ' dear Andrea, I think you are a tiny, tiny bit off in your otherwise eloquent and heartwarming formulated post.'
No. What I expect is this:
'nope. You're wrong, because of ...'.
And this is how I approach people as well. I think that is a reasonable expectation.
The problem is that the many here think that they know what is correct when they do not. It's just a bunch of people empowering themselves by telling others how to do things. I think one of the worst things is the gang mentality new people see.

For instance, here's something you see almost every day. Someone posts a picture and asks a question. Within the first page you will have at least one "you don't have enough substrate". You'll also see numerous other comments and requests that have nothing to do with the original post.

Like you I prefer a straight and to the point answer. I don't however appreciate the mentality that predominates where it's okay to be rude if you think that your right. The behavior of people on the internet is deplorable and does not happen to the same extent in the rest of the world. Those who do act that way usually find out the hard way why it's best to be polite.

There are lots of great people here, and I don't believe that it is bad to remind ourselves to behave in a appropriate manner.
 

schmiggle

Arachnoprince
Active Member
Joined
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Messages
1,923
The problem is that the many here think that they know what is correct when they do not. It's just a bunch of people empowering themselves by telling others how to do things. I think one of the worst things is the gang mentality new people see.

For instance, here's something you see almost every day. Someone posts a picture and asks a question. Within the first page you will have at least one "you don't have enough substrate". You'll also see numerous other comments and requests that have nothing to do with the original post.

Like you I prefer a straight and to the point answer. I don't however appreciate the mentality that predominates where it's okay to be rude if you think that your right. The behavior of people on the internet is deplorable and does not happen to the same extent in the rest of the world. Those who do act that way usually find out the hard way why it's best to be polite.

There are lots of great people here, and I don't believe that it is bad to remind ourselves to behave in a appropriate manner.
^^^^this. I, too, prefer people being to the point. However, it's more of an issue of acting like it reflects on the person posting. That was what I was complaining about.
 

Andrea82

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Messages
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Someone posts a picture and asks a question. Within the first page you will have at least one "you don't have enough substrate".
I understand what you mean. But a lot of these cases, the lack of substrate may have been the cause of the 'problem'. Or issues within the tank that, to a new person, might have nothing to do with his/her question.

There are lots of great people here, and I don't believe that it is bad to remind ourselves to behave in a appropriate manner.
Of course. Although i can get frustrated and angry at willfull ignorance, I try to stay polite. I do not succeed always, but I try to light the tone if I can.
To elaborate on my equation of 'sweet talking', I wouldn't like being yelled at when asking a politely formulated question either.

Politeness is subjective though. There is no one standard to adhere to, what I perceive as rude, can be normal for someone else, and vice versa.

Being polite is good. But it is also okay to not sugarcoat messages. That's just me though. I like direct, no nonsense approaches, and that is how I treat people irl as well.
Holy cow, something went wrong with editing...sorry!
 

Belegnole

Tarantula Guy
Old Timer
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
171
^^^^this. I, too, prefer people being to the point. However, it's more of an issue of acting like it reflects on the person posting. That was what I was complaining about.
Something that I didn't mention before. We as readers have to remember that the person who wrote something may not have meant what we as the reader took from the post.
Which is part of why I mentioned that it starts with you and me...
 

Belegnole

Tarantula Guy
Old Timer
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
171
Holy cow, something went wrong with editing...sorry!

lol, not a biggy. You replied inside of the quotes. You should have put [/quote] after each part you wanted to address and a quote in brackets in front. That way you made a series of quotes and responded to each. For instance...

I understand what you mean. But a lot of these cases, the lack of substrate may have been the cause of the 'problem'. Or issues within the tank that, to a new person, might have nothing to do with his/her question.
Some of the cases I agree. But it is very common to see someone ask a sexing question and have the majority of the responses be something regarding the quality of their husbandry.

Of course. Although i can get frustrated and angry at willfull ignorance, I try to stay polite. I do not succeed always, but I try to light the tone if I can.
To elaborate on my equation of 'sweet talking', I wouldn't like being yelled at when asking a politely formulated question either.

Politeness is subjective though. There is no one standard to adhere to, what I perceive as rude, can be normal for someone else, and vice versa.

Being polite is good. But it is also okay to not sugarcoat messages. That's just me though. I like direct, no nonsense approaches, and that is how I treat people irl as well.
I think that's a good way to do things. I would say however that some people who are asking for help come off as needing a bit softer touch. While that may just be me reading something into the post or person that just isn't there I usually go with my gut feeling. In those cases I sugar coat m response a bit more than I might for others.

On what is polite, I agree that there are different norms in different places however I have found that the general concept is the same everywhere. You are attempting not to give offense. For someone to blatantly ignore the concept because "their just telling it like it is" is just a lame excuse at best. No matter what, it starts with us....
 

schmiggle

Arachnoprince
Active Member
Joined
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1,923
Unfortunately I believe that you were mistaken from the get go. This forum has been known for its toxic nature for quite some time. Many, including long standing members have left due to the fact that they tired of how people treated each other around here
I admit that my experience here is limited a bit by time but mostly by not actually reading any of the tarantula sections, where I think a majority of postings happen. Shockingly people don't get as upset when discussing the intricacies of a spider ID :p
 

Andrea82

Arachnoemperor
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Jan 12, 2016
Messages
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I admit that my experience here is limited a bit by time but mostly by not actually reading any of the tarantula sections, where I think a majority of postings happen. Shockingly people don't get as upset when discussing the intricacies of a spider ID :p
That would be a good thread though..I love it when the more experienced or specialized keepers drop things like the shape of bulbous, or urticating hairs. Ir like mygale, posts very detailed pictures of tarantula parts.
 

Belegnole

Tarantula Guy
Old Timer
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
171
I admit that my experience here is limited a bit by time but mostly by not actually reading any of the tarantula sections, where I think a majority of postings happen. Shockingly people don't get as upset when discussing the intricacies of a spider ID :p
Busiest forum about tarantulas is going to also have the most posts, positive and negative.

oh and back at you :p
 

Andrea82

Arachnoemperor
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Another thing to consider....I read in another thread that we should be nice to each other because we share a passion for Theraphosidae, or something along those lines, which I think is relevant in this topic as well.
The problem with that statement is that, just because we share one passion, we can't like everyone. Someone can keep all the spiders as I do, keep them the same as I do, but that still doesn't mean he/she and I are best friends, or even that we like each other. Just because we form a group inside society, doesn't mean we are all alike. People are different. What I like can be what you hate. And when opinions differ, discussion ensues. Heated discussion even. In that, I don't think AB is that different from society.
 

RTTB

Arachnoprince
Joined
Dec 4, 2016
Messages
1,765
Unfortunately some nasty narcissistic keyboard warriors feel empowered through belittling others negative criticism judgemental remarks and trying so hard to show how smart they are. They prowl the forums like a wolf looking for prey but when offline they are probably herd conformist dullard sheep.
 

WeightedAbyss75

Arachnoangel
Joined
Feb 22, 2014
Messages
921
Another thing to consider....I read in another thread that we should be nice to each other because we share a passion for Theraphosidae, or something along those lines, which I think is relevant in this topic as well.
The problem with that statement is that, just because we share one passion, we can't like everyone. Someone can keep all the spiders as I do, keep them the same as I do, but that still doesn't mean he/she and I are best friends, or even that we like each other. Just because we form a group inside society, doesn't mean we are all alike. People are different. What I like can be what you hate. And when opinions differ, discussion ensues. Heated discussion even. In that, I don't think AB is that different from society.
I think the most important thing when joining a forum that can be very close to peoples' hearts like this one is to have a tough skin. Personally, I never take anything here as a personal attack. Most of the time, all members want is the animal to thrive (optimistic I know ;)) I take it and analyze it, and either use it or don't. Main thing to keep in mind though IMO; I don't know anyone here. No matter what anyone says about me or my keeping, they will most likely never meet me and I will go about my day as usual :D I think everyone's opinion of nice is different and don't conform. It just tells me many people care about the animal rather than keeper's feelings, which is good IMO. Sorry, may have been ranting, but figured I'd say something :D
 

RonC

Arachnopeon
Joined
Oct 8, 2018
Messages
22
Simply state your opinion without bashing someone else's. Even if you disagree listen. They might have a valid reason for what they say and change your mind.
 
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