Driveway Comedy

The Snark

Dumpster Fire of the Gods
Old Timer
Aug 8, 2005
(Since the spider was the star of the show, this is placed under the arach forum)
A short (10 seconds) play in one act.

The players: A neurotic spider (sparassidus freakus outus), a toad (bufo clutzus), a human (homo erectus - pre coffee), and the audience, a garter snake.
The setting: A driveway, with moss, a wet ceramic tiled porch (slicker than snot on a doorknob), some ferns and a jeep.
The inserted dialogue, ("___") while a product of a slightly deranged imagination, was apparent and wrote itself.

I am taking out the latest contribution to the compost heap. One of our huntsman, who has been enjoying the overnight buffet under the carport light, takes off down the wall. At the corner his brakes, (or brain), fails, and instead of making the turn it half turns, claws lose their grip and it goes sailing off like a Frisbee<tm> onto the porch. It lands, spinning and sliding until it comes to a median strip between tiles, facing back the way it came.
Spider: "Wow!"
A toad suddenly galumphs out from under the fern leaves to stop a few inches from the spider.
Toad: "Breakfast!"
Spider: "Sugar Honey Ice Tea! PANIC!"
The human steps in with the hopes of keeping the tableau from turning into a tragedy. Three things happen simultaneously:
-The human encounters the wet moss on the driveway that someone has been beetching about for several months. It slips and lands flat on it's arse.
-The toad takes a jump forwards. It slips, the leap partially aborted, and does a belly flop. It lands and slides, it's chin over the edge of the porch, affording it a good view of the action.
-The spider shoots off the edge of the porch, sails through the air, and smacks into the wheel of the jeep so hard it makes a metallic 'Tink' sound, somewhat like a cat that tries to jump through a closed window. It ricochets off the wheel to land between the human's legs.
Spider: "I meant to do that!"
Toad and Human: "Suuuure you did!"
The spider fails to gather it's wits and makes another dash, this time straight up the human. About at it's chest it discovers the minor error and makes a course correction, shooting down the humans leg, sailing off into space, bounce-leaping off the back of the toad, hits the tiles and spins out again, then fishtails down the length of the porch. (Exuent)
The toad gets to it's feet, turns slowly, and trundles back under the leaves of the fern. (Exuent)
I note a movement down at fern #3 as the snake raises it's head: "That was hilarious! You guys do this every morning?"


Old Timer
Jan 9, 2010
Guess who's ready to move to Thailand{D{D{D Does Disney know about this:D